Messed Up
It had been 2 weeks since e incident took place. Ever since it happened, I can no longer bring myself to appreciate or even respect her anymore. Everything will b fine if I do not tink of anythin n jus do my stuff blindly. However, when I tink of it, e anger makes me unable to respect n snap @ every single little thing. Saying totless things w/o even knowin exactly wat I am tokin abt. I din wanna force myself to do wat is deemed as 'correct'. E reason is simply bcos I wont feel any better. Perhaps, I might even feel worst off. As of current state, I hav absolutely no idea wat kind of attitude I shld hav or take towards her. Since then, I hav been tinkin of ways to make myself feel better. Sumhow, no matter how hard I try, I cant succeed. I am afraid to sae tat my heart has stopped beating. I do hav enoff of these nonsenses n I hav declared cold war with her. As if e whole situation isnt bad enoff, she has to pick on me n make stupid conversations with me. Even though I do understand tat she is jus tryin to strike up conversation, I am unable to bring myself to converse with her. Hence, things gets out of hand veri quickly as I am feelin drained frm e long hrs of work n studyin. E endless interrogation of silly qns only serves to make me feelin pissed n e next thing I am aware of is I had jus snapped at her.
If u r tinkin tat I am actually feelin better when I am treating her coldly, e ans is a FAT NO! I am feelin miserable too. Afterall, I am never a fan of committing 'wrong's in my life. I hav alwaes strive to work towards or at e veri least do wat is considered 'acceptable' in e eyes of many. Yet, for tis time, I am unable to do so. I had enoff n I AM REALI SICK OF IT.
In order to take my mind off tat particular issue, I hav been 'torturing' myself. Clockin an astonishing amt of less than 20hrs of sleep for 4 daes leaves me feel extremely zonked out. Drowning myself with cup after cups of coffee to keep me going to do e stuff which has to b done. Work, tuition n studies hav occupied my time entirely. I do not hav any time left for sleep. U can sae tat I hav purposely packed my schedule like sardines by takin on another extra job. This is to ensure tat I wont hav any much time to sit down n tink thru it. Of cos, I am hoping tat it would b able to help me numb e 'pain'. Sad to sae, nothin works. I am left with no choices but to face up to it. It is makin me wanna run away....as far as I can go. As I hav to shift my focus away frm my problems, I am givin my all to studies in e hope to reap results in e end. I hope I am investing in sumting which I can hav a grip on. Lets jus wait n see. I hope I wont fail myself n my uncle as I hav nothin left for me to grab on.
Apart frm these upsetting events in my life, e onli ray of hope or light in my life now is none other than e great pals I hav met in my life. Thanks for being there 2 help me hang tat 'U-shape' on my face. Of cos, not to forget, I hav to credit tat to my aunt n cousin too. My aunt has not been feeling too good these daes n it is makin me fear as she is veri old. I cant afford to lose anyone anymore. I do not hav many pple in my life to begin wif whom I can bare my heart to. Pls...dun abandon me. I cant imagine life without her.
Sorry folks for such a depressing entry. I jus merely need an outlet of my emotions.
