E Opposite
While everyone is feelin all hype up abt e upcomin skool term, I am feelin pretty moody n down. My new found course mates are actually embracing tis exciting event wif opening arms. I hav crossed my arms against my chest. I hav no idea why I am feelin like a living zombie. I chosed to close myself up once again. It would take a genius to open me up AGAIN. I dun feel like communicatin wif anyone. I dunno wat to sae to anyone. I am afraid of makin mistakes. I cant afford it. I cant take it anymore. Tis is my final straw.

I am so fearful of it tat I can feel myself shakin inside. Never in my life would I wanna face it again. If there r angels in e sky, pls...kindly send a guardian angel to me. Remind me or stop me b4 I commit a grave mistake. I never wanna go thru it again.

I may look cold on e exterior.
In fact, my interior is shakin wif fear.

Who actuali noes I am cravin for a listening ear?

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Spoilt 4 Choice
It is times like these which makes me feel uncertain. Life has its own ways of puttin u on a test n twisting ur fate to sumting u either wish or din wish for. I believe e phrase "spoilt for choice" would best describe how our parents or grandparents feel abt kids in our current society. U would hav probably heard it often enough abt how they compared abt their past childhood with e present In actual fact, tis difference is caused by globalisation n e many interesting discoveries made thru e yrs. At present, adults also do enjoy a wide variety of choices when it comes to fashion, dining, careers, leisure activities n etc etc.

Being a young adult like me, we r also spoilt for choice in e area of our academic life. I believe many would agree tat they often find themselves stuck with makin decision on which course or CCA to take. E good thing abt Singapore's Educational System is u wont need to make many decisions along e way. There isnt much choices for u to choose from in e first place. U r given either this or tat. Being well-known for our kiasu-ness, Singaporeans hav no qualms abt choosing wat seems to b e 'best' at tat point in time. E trouble onli kicks in when you either graduate frm ur 'A' Levels or 'O' Levels heading to Poly. Then, u r given a whole list of courses to choose from. I do remember how pple ard started havin their own idea abt which course is e 'best'. Frens ard me felt lost for e fear of enterin e wrong course. Eventually, decisions were made n everyone prayed for e 'best' to befall on them once again.

Would it b a better idea to b at a split road or cross junction? I would choose e first. Not being blessed with many options in life can b a blessing in disguise too. In my current skool, I am pretty spoilt for choice in terms of my CCA. Lookin thru e long list of CCAs in my skool, I hav picked a few frm e list. Interviews were held to select e suitable candidates for e respective CCAs. I went fore to try my luck. Despite havin gone thru many interviews in my job hunt, I was still nervous @ e interview when I hav a panel of 6 interviewers. Crappy ans came out frm my mouth which might leads to a higher chance of not being selected. I do pray for e best but a sense of insecurity jus clings onto me. I am keepin my fingers cross on this.

Believe me, it is supposed to b a blog entry. I hav no idea why it turn out to b like essay. *opps*

In a Dilemma
Which would b a wiser choice? Use ur brain to tink or ur heart to feel?

I hav taken a veri diff approach towards e new frens I met n my upcoming skool term. No longer am I e gal who takes e initiative to approach other pple to make frens. I guess I am sick n tired of it. Also, I am fearful of makin frens wif e wrong bunch of pple. Lookin back, I hav to say tat e best decision I had made so far with regards to makin frens is approachin e bunch of frens I hav made in my final yr in Poly. (u noe who u r) I remembered how quiet I was when I was hangin out wif them initially. It took me 2 weeks to warm up to them. I still remember one of them passed a comment tat I am veri slow to warm up to pple / I am so quiet. I cant remember wat was exactly said. To speak e truth, I was reali scared tat I would say anythin wrongly as I din wanna offend anyone of them. Hence, I chose silence so as to understand everyone better. :)

As age catches up with me, I believe I hav learned tat I do not need frens who are there jus to hav fun wif u. Wat I reali wanna n need r frens who will stay n always be there for me. Lets jus pple who r meant to b my true frens come to me. :)

Veri often, we would be able to find phrases like "Silence is GOLDEN" in e library. Strange enoff, I dun find tat silence = Gold. In fact, I detest silence. I dislike any awkward silences between me n my frens. Tis is especially so when I am out. Therefore, silence in e grp will prompt me to speak up or speak nonsense. (unless I choose to remain silence) Jus a moment ago, I guess I understood wat "Silence Is Golden" all abt. :) (I hav to constantly remind myself n change tis side of me)

Side track a little, life is pretty black n white now. In another 2 weeks, schedules n datelines to b met r coming up. I hope I will b able to blog more happening stuff in time to come.

Let me side track alot more, I hav a shockin news! E super vain aunty spidey has been feelin jealous over e flawless skin other pple hav. Beware of her scrutinising eyes! U never noe when she is makin an attempt to attack ur face! Aunty Spidey has being warned abt e harmful effects of wat makeup does to her skin by her doc. With this, she has decided to cut down on her usage of cosmetics and to strive hard to gain natural beauty! Havin known tis aunty is well-known for being lazy to travel which results in being a mountain turtle, she actually took great efforts to travel to Kovan to see a doc over her complexion! After spendin a total of $110 for 2 sessions, (once per month) she strongly believes tat her complexion gonna improve as there isnt any major breakouts anymore. Cheers for her. Aunty spidey is lookin forward to e day when she can declare Flawless Skin as her nick. :) Aunty Spidey is a Vain Pot.

New Beginning
My Orientation was held on Monday. Having been thru Orientation at Poly, I know wat to expect to happen. Moreover, I used to b part of e GL Family. Hence, it onli makes me hav a even clearer picture of wat it would b like. Thru e turmoils of workin n unhappy past experiences in my poly daes, it makes me tink twice or even thrice when it comes to speakin up. I lost my enthusiasm & confidence to communicate well wif pple. More often than not, I find myself stuck at havin nothin to tok abt or simply makin myself sounds like a boring fellow. I plan n scrutinize @ every single little steps tat I am taking as to prevent history frm repeating itself. I fear to face e fate of being outcast ever again in my life. I constantly reminding myself not to commit e same old mistakes.

Entering a course which is highly populated wif e females isnt a good news to me at all. I am so used to workin wif e males. I am so used to making frens wif e males more than e females. I guess its time for me to learn how to work n bond well wif e ladies. I am too 'tom-boy' for one reason or another. All ladies love to hear compliments but I am too frank for any ladies' liking. An over dosage of tryin hard to sing praises will make me look real fake. In short, I am a terrbile liar n actor. I wont expect tis journey to b smooth sailing. As e saying goes: "Life is never a bed of roses..." I will want to look @ it as a learning journey for me to understand e female population better. :)

Orientation is jus like a peek into e new beginning of ur life in e new skool. I jus had mine. Seems exciting n wonderful... Will it realli b so?

After going thru Orientation, it onli reminds me of my Poly Orientation. Countless of mistakes committed. Apart frm e mistakes, it also reminds me of e pple I met. He. I cant help feelin sad n wishin he is accompanyin me thru tis Orientation...

On a side note: I find myself having no luck wif gals. Sad to say, only 1 pathetic gal added to her MSN. I added 3 gals. 1 refused to add me. Well done. Almost all e guys hav added me. Sigh.

On a SIDE SIDE note: I REALI hate to sae tis...Jan, I tink u hav a better fashion sense than I do. I tink I look better in e dress u hav chosen for me. SO...when can we make another shoppin trip b4 u go? Dun get too cocky alrite.

Over Nothin?
Finally, I knew wat is bothering me so much n makin me so upset. I guess I jus choose not to face up to it. At times, I will choose to b an escapist rather than facing my problems. "Be Strong" was a wish sumone who was pretty influential to me at one point in time in my life. I dunno y I am so weak. He sees thru me n understands me pretty well. I haven grown any stronger since then. I tot I did. In actual fact, I din. I tot I am able to brave thru e storms in my life since I hav gone so much shit in my early childhood. I guess I din. E lack of social interactions in my early life does hav an impact in my life. It had never cross my mind tat it would affect me in any way. I alwaes tot tat I would b able to run out of it. As long as I am no longer trapped in e same hole, I will b fine. I had no idea as to why I din share my problems wif any of my family members. I jus tried my best to 'act' strong n came up wif stories to prove tat I live a normal life. Do I? No. I din. It onli continues to snowball into a bigger problem in my life. Peers of my age would hav committed all e mistakes I hav or might commit n might hav found a solution to it. Me? I guess I din hav enoff chances to commit e mistakes or at e veri least to try n learn frm it. Or am I jus grumblin over nothin? I hav absolutely no idea.

Tis is e part of me which I hav alwaes been reluctant to share n try my ass off to cover it up. At times, I crave to look for a stranger to pour my sorrows. I am craving for one now. In this way, pple who knows me are not aware of 'tat' side of me. I guess tats e reason why psychiatrist is well sought after in our current society.

Sour grapes... I am eating them rite now. :( As I watch pple ard me... I jus cant help feelin sour n sad. :( I still do not know how to judge a person's character well enoff. I sux @ it. I am jus blind. Listening to wat he said onli makes me feel even more upset as to why I din catch tat too!

Tats all for now...

Back Home
I guess no place in this world beats being at home. (I can literally see jan & crazy nottin their heads!) It feels great to be home. However, part of me sumhow din realli dread abt my stay in e hospital. I was pretty happy as I could 'escape' frm e reality for a period of time. Furthermore, I was enjoying e showers of loves frm my family members n frens. All of them tried to find time despite their busy schedule reali meant alot to me. I guess I learnt a lesson called "Who r e dearest to me". It had shown n proven to me who truly cares n loves me. Thanks for all e concerns n small little gifts ur hav brought for me. It onli makes me feel fortunate n loved. I am truly thankful to e all gestures.

I hav no idea as to why I am feelin so emotional. I keep feeling down. :( I guess it is due to PMS. Nothin terrible had happened since I am home. I jus feel weird n down. :(

Will b back to update tis space when I feel better. :)

3 More Daes
Jus 3 more daes... I will b goin for sumting which I hav been secretly hopin for abt close to 20 yrs?! It might seems a little too exaggerated for sum, it definately isnt so for me. I hav been hoping n wishing for e dae to come so as to b able to look good. Yet, as it draws nearer to me, I cant help feelin a little scared n uneasy. It is jus a mixture of feelings. Clingin onto e hope tat it would turn out good, e fear tat grips tightly onto u for e whole nite, e anxiety which makes ur heart pounds non-stop as u r being pushed... Before u realise it, everything is over. Tis is e kind of feeling I get. Upon realisation, onli pain, boredom & tiredness accompanies u. I got to sae tat tis isnt e first time. With each additional experience, it onli makes me more fearful. How much I wish I am as courageous as I was in Pri 4. E tot of not knowing wat you will get sumtimes makes one more brave. :)

Apart frm wat is mentioned above, I am really looking forward to enrolment dae for my course. I cant wait to hav a glimpse of my timetable n start planning my schedules. E workaholic me cant wait to squeeze my empty slots dry in replacement of $$. On top of tat, I would like to make full use of these 2.5 yrs to pick up skills which I hav been planning to pick up. Its time to STOP procrastinating n START on sumting! Swimming, driving, guitar... These are e ones which r currently on my list. There is another ONE! I doubt I will b able to find a 'trainer' for tat. Tats none other than CYCLING! U r rite n I cant deny it if u say tat I am jus a dugu ah bong. Simple life skills like those mentioned above r not part of me YET! They will be in time to come. :)

One last thing. I came to realise it only recently tat Marketing is a course which requires sumone who CAN write. I believe anyone who has been reading my blog will b able to detect tat I am not fantastic in writing. *nod nod* In order to brush up my writing skills, I hav started to read storybooks! For those who hav known me for a good period of time, you would hav know me by now tat I HATE reading books. (tats y my writting skills so gd lah) Also, I will make myself blog more to practice writing in proper English. So, do stay tuned as tis space will b updated more frequently frm onwards! On a side note, I hope I wont b too busy to update.