Loving Myself
Most often than not, I hav heard enoff of pple tellin me or saying tis "U hav to love urself first b4 anyone can love u". I alwaes I tot I understood wat it meant. "Loving myself? I do!" I tot to myself. I hav been pampering myself by spending lots of money on my face n grooming myself to look pretty. I bet all women in tis world would agree tat every single one of us wanna b pretty. Agree?

It sounds simple than it realli is. I was not aware of wat it truly means. I hav left out sumting which is veri impt and truly defines wat "loving urself" means. It onli dawn onto me recently when I was havin a conversation with my cousin. Still, being the stubborn me, I refuse to take her words seriously. But...if there is a God or an Angel high up in e sky, I believe it wanna me to know tat wat she told me is veri impt n it is this thing tat I have been lackin for e past 20 over yrs of my life. I happened to chance upon this movie "Seducing the Mr Right" 2 nites ago. It is a Korean movie starring e handsome doctor in "My Name is Kim Sam Soon" n another Korean woman whom I hav not seen in any of e Korean dramas I hav watched. It is a movie which is veri close to my heart as I can see myself in e female lead of this movie. Initially, I couldnt believe tat there would b another woman who hav such a similar tinkin as I do towards "Love". As the story unfolds, everythin tat e male lead had told e female lead onli reminds me of wat my cousin hav said to me previously. I began to see n truly understand why it is so impt to love urself n wat my cousin had said is true.

With tat, I told myself tat I hav to love myself more n believe tat I hav my own rights to sae "NO" when there is a need. It is bcos of this veri reason, I became pretty "different". As my mum did sense e change in me, she cant help but feels puzzled over wat is e reason which brought this change. She felt tat I hav bcome more n more fussy with certain things. I can onli say that I do not wanna compromise anymore. I do not wanna b taken for granted for e fact tat I am nice enoff to compromise to anything. I guess it would take sum time for pple ard me to get used to e change in me.

Alrite... I shall pen off here. Time to hit e gym b4 I bcome a fatso. :)

Bloggin
I was jus blog hopping ard a moment ago. Oh well, u may sae I am KPO. To me, blog reading is more than jus being KPO abt other pple's life. @ times, u might gain sum insights to ur life or u may learn sum interesting facts too! I would say tat there are 2 different kinds of blogs found on e net. One is whereby e writer toks abt his/her daily routine of life with a little on his/her tots for e dae. E other one would b all abt his/her tot, feelings, emotions, ideas n etc etc. U would hardly find anythin with regards to wat he/she has done for e dae. Personally, I would onli read e 2nd type when I am blog hopping. Sumhow, e first one bores me out easily. I would hav to sae I was once a guilty party of e first type of blogger. As time goes by n as I aged, I find it meaningless for me blog down such stuff. It serves no purpose to me when I read back my old entries. I would sae it jus reminds me of wat I did on tat particular dae. Nothin inspiring or nothin worth to remember... On e other hand, I find bloggin abt my ideas n how I view e diff issues in my life more worth readin as I would b able to make a comparison between then n now. I would b able to see e gradual change in me. I see myself growing up n learning how to handle myself better. I guess it gives me a good feelin esp. when I find myself changin for e better. :)

I happened to chance upon another gal's blog. Sumhow, I feel veri much like her n would hope to noe her one dae if heaven allows. I find her ideas were almost exactly like mine. It is jus tat she is better than me in terms of her language. She is able to blog in proper English while I hav e tendency to blog in broken English. :) As I continued to read on her past entries, I hav to admit tat I am pretty envious of her over her havin an ever-so-lovin bf n e courage to pen down her family problems on her blog. I used to be able to pen down or rather vent my frustrations over my family problems on my blog. Sad to say, I no longer hav tis courage anymore. E reason being I wont wanna any of my family members to b criticised or watsoever bcos of wat I hav blogged. Once bitten, twice shy.

I shall stop here... Do stay tune to aunty spidey's ideas n rants! I'll b back!

Never Look Back
Often enough, I hav heard of pple telling me to look ahead of me n not to look back. Reason? Well, this can b easily understood using tis analogy. Imagine u r driving a car, if u keep lookin back or at ur rear mirror, wat would happen? Like wise, if u concentrate on lookin wats ahead of u, e result would differ greatly.

I was lookin back @ my veri old entries of my blog. They were dated way back in 2004 to 2005. Only after readin those entries, I realised how much I hav changed in terms of my style of blogging. U can sae tat I am gettin more n more "old" in a way or another. I hope I hav a control over my emotions. I noe tat I am veri weak in tis area. I hav a veri high tendency to let my emotions control me which makes me do stupid things or make stupid decisions. I will get veri remorseful over wat I did after I cool down. I noe it veri well tat tis isnt a reason for me to earn forgiveness frm anyone. It onli displays my childish-ness thinkin tat I can alwaes use tis as reason rather than facing up to e fact tat I cant hav a control over my emotions. Jus to let u noe...I am still tryin to find a way to help myself wif tis issue...

I veri much wanna embark on a brand new journey rite now. Be it workin or studyin, I would like to occupy my time. While watchin Healing Hands III, it gives me many insights abt how I shld look @ diff issues which I am facing now. Losing a chance to fulfill ur dream shld b viewed as another opportunity to pursue another dream. How inspiring... I hope it did inspire u in a way or another not to give up if u happen to b in e same situation. :)

Its gettin late. Time for to bid gdbye n nites to all my faithful readers as tis aunty here heads to bed for a rest in preparation for e battles she has to face for tomolo... :)

Why I Wanna Head Back 2 Skool
I guess no one actually knows my reasons for goin back to skool once again. As I hav been on & off workin for abt 1 yr, I realised tat I lost a huge part of me. If I were to do a comparison between who I was during my attachment n who I am now, I hav to sae tat there is a quite significant difference. I lost e naive + enthusiatic me. Steppin into e workin world forces me to face cold hard truth pple hav been tellin me abt all these yrs. As I hav never been there b4, I find it hard to believe wat they hav said. I also find it hard to understand why pple can get so worked up with certain politics tat is goin round in e office. At tat point in time, I find adult's tinkin to b too complicated n ridiculous. Tats rite. I cant find a better word to replace e word "ridiculous".

Hence, I do hope tat tis trip back to skool will allow me to find back wat I hav lost n to revive those wonderful daes of being a student again. When u r student, politics n other issues revolving ard u r never as complicated n bad as compared to when u r working. This is especially so as politics in office can affect e rice bowls of ur other colleagues which is highly sensitive! Arguements in skool r never as destructive as to those in offices. They cant affect ur results unless u allow them to.

Other than e 2 reasons tat I hav stated above, another reason as to why I wanna head back to skool so much is none other than e 'hope' tat my uncle had for me. Abt 5 yrs ago, when my cousin graduated, I remembered my uncle once said tis to me: "I hope u will b able to graduate wif a degree & wear e hood & gown jus like ur jie jie in time to come." Sad to sae, I din manage to enter NUS or NTU. This means to say tat I wont b wearing e hood & gown on my graduation day. Also, he wont b able to witness my graduation ceremony as he had left for another world. Still, I would wanna to fulfill his wish for me. :)

Lastly, it is for myself n my future. I bet everyone would wanna hav a bright future ahead of them. :)

Jus a Passerby
Men r jus like buses. Woman r jus like bus-stops. E bus u r waiting for never comes. On e other hand, e other buses tat u r not waiting for, passes ur stop every now n then. Honestly speaking frm e bottom of my heart, I dun mean to b mean to anyone. I would hav to say tat it gets on my nerves when I strongly believe both of us noes deep down there isnt much to tok abt. It onli aggravates e whole situation when one party is tryin too hard to get e conversation on-going. E onli reason to explain tis is: there isnt sufficient chemistry n freq between e two pple. It might hav been a wishful tinkin on my part tat e short meet-up on tat day would hav explain it all. To speak e truth, I do not know if e other party feels e same way as I do. I would believe tat most of my frens are aware tat I am not a "homely" person. I would prefer to be out in e streets than wasting my youth at home. It was onli on tat fateful day tat I wished I was at home. Out of boredom, I suggested meeting up since it was eons since we last met. I truly regret making this decision after meeting him. I was tryin veri hard to find topics to hold a proper conversation with him. To my dismay, our conversation ended up more like a Q&A session. He made no effort to hold e conversation as I dont recall him askin me any qns! Furthermore, his ans were either one word ans or veri veri short ans. Awkward silences filled e air ard us. I hav never felt so dreadful to b out wif anyone. After lunch, I felt tat tis isnt gettin anywhere and I decided to go home. In actual fact, I din go home after we part. I left for another place.

I guess I hav no one to blame but myself for getting into tis sticky situation. Mayb e meet up tat dae sparks off sumting in him. As for me, it onli makes me feel more certain tat we hav no chemistry n our wavelength is totally diff. I am unsure wat would b e cause of tis drift. We were not like tis in e past. In my opinion, I would attribute all these to time n e many changes tat had taken place in me. It is to my understanding tat he is jus purely bored. I hope tis is realli e case n not otherwise. On a serious note, I am tired of entertaining him. As he is closely related to one of my close frens, I hav my own reservations of avoiding him or givin him cold shoulder. I can onli hope tat he will come to realise tat tis is not gettin anywhere for him.

As I noe & understand tis unpleasant "feelin" veri well, I am trying to refrain myself frm pushin for any conversation between us. It might b a casual "Hows ur dae?? qn. When e rite person asked tis qn, a warm n happy feelin surfaces out of no where. Yet, when e wrong person asked e exact same qn, it gives off a totally diff feeling. *rolls eyes* Since I am stuck in a similar situation wif e other *him*, I would hav to say tat I can fully understand how he feels. I have to admit there isnt any common topic to begin wif. By tryin too hard, I am not gettin any nearer to my destination. Instead, I am moving further away from it and hurting myself disappointments. Hence, I hav come to a decision tat he is & I will let him b jus a passerby in my life. He is jus a bus which happens to stop by my stop to drop off passengers. :)

Thanks for cheering me up when I was down n making my days in Molex more forward-looking. :)

I guess frens would sae I am a weirdo who loves to thank many pple in my life on my blog. Unfortunately, e ones I thank are never aware of it. Haha...

I am Tired...
Tons of tots ran thru my mind. I need find a place to let out my frustrations. I hav no idea as to why she has to link every single little thing back to it. Can sumone tell me? As much as I yearn to go back to skool, there r many tots which ran thru my mind which is oso stoppin me frm doin so. I find it so tiring to b back there once again. I hate being in tat position.

I hate tat feelin. It seems like a hole. So huge tat I can never close regardless of wat I dump in to fill it up. I reali admire pple ard me. Sumtimes...I wonder if e fault lies in me. Not knowing how to show wat I wanna. Not knowing how to teach certain pple in my life certain lessons. Dun worry, they r not nasty lessons. Can sumone teach me? Does givin in helps? However, I believe tat pple r never sastisfied. No matter how much u give in, they will never understand. Sumone used to tell me tat I dun hav to bother anymore when I come out to work. Issit true? I have been workin on & off for e past 1 yr. Things dun seems like how I used to paint tat picture in my mind. Is there anyone who is daring enoff to let other party noe wat I wanna? Or do I hav to b e one to do it? Cos no one noes wat I wanna better than myself? I tot of ways to get e idea across. But ANGER alwaes seems to get e better of me.

Change. Tats wat I wanna in my life rite now. I guess no one can help other than myself. It is gonna b e motto of my life for e time being. I am gonna fight for wat I wanna. I hav not put up a fight for too long. Way too long...living with e most Ah Q belief..."Fated lah", "I cant do anythin with it" & "Jus live it". Tinkin tat if I give in, things might change for e better. Things hav proven tat it isnt e case. Courage. Sumting which seems to b alwaes lackin in me. Positiveness. Sumting which is never in me. I might sound like a problematic teenager. To b at an age of 21 n still act like tis, I understand it sounds totally ridiculous. All I wanna is to b heard, to b understood and to fight for wat I wanna.

Its Over
Finally, the long & dreadful wait is over! At last, I managed to get my hands onto the brownish A4-size envelope with e wordings "SIM" on it. I am offered with Bachelor of Marketing frm RMIT University. I have to say that I feel so relieved n happy tat I am not found on e "Rejection" list of candidates. I may not hav entered this university with incredibly good results. BUT...I promise myself to get e BEST results in all these yrs of my academic life. On top of that, I am hoping to earn as much $$ as possible out of this 2.5 yr course. As to wat r e ways of earning those $$$, I am still in e midst of tinking it thru.

I cant help dreaming of getting a car. This dream seems far n unattainable @ e moment. I believe I will make it happen one day! Drivin my dream car...Nissan March. I guess I will stop here for now n work on e breakdown of my expenses. :)

Will b back to update tis space soon!

Date With JY
Once again, JY & I went on a date. We dated for half a dae. I understand that there would sum pple who might b jealous of me. I can only sae "too bad" to them. :) Details of the date will not b revealed over here to protect JY. :) *love u to bits* Hee...

Jus a little update of my life, I am currently jobless. I am still hopelessly tinkin of sumone. I hope to snap outta it soon. Do believe in me...I am tryin my best. :) I am gettin real lazy to blog. No inspirations n e laziness in me...

Tats all for now... :)

Messed Up
Sumtimes in life, it is amazing how 2 pple can get much closer jus over a dinner chit chat session. I hav no idea wat came over me which makes me couldnt stop myself frm tokin. I din expect myself to cry like a baby n bare my heart out to her. Surprising enough, I actually touch on topics which I hav never wanna address in my entire life. I feel naked in front of her. I am fully aware tat particular side of me is e most vulnerable one. Tears jus rolled down my cheeks. I veri much wanted to cry my hearts out but due to e location, I din. After e whole session of being a cry baby even @ at a age of 21, I realise we got closer as frens. At e veri least, on my side, I find it easier to bring my ideas across to her n sumhow tis sharing session brings me closer to her.

E sharing session gave me an opportunity to release e "tension" which was building inside me for e past 21 yrs. Also, it made me realise tat I shld sae wats on my heart n mind regardless of how mushy it might b. If not, misunderstanding is bound to happen. I am still tryin to show pple ard me who I am n express my innermost tots...feelings... I got to sae it will take quite a bit of time n quite a bit outta me to sae those words. I am tryin my best to b a better person with each passing dae.

My apologies if you find tis entry veri abrupt n e ideas dun flow. I am feelin jus as messed up as tis entry appears to b.

I hav decided to give it a shot...