Movin On...
I guess its time. No doubt e sweet memories stays wif me. But since e situation has changed. I got to learn tat its all different. Blame it on e fact tat we hav grown up n changes r bound to take place. Sumting I cant help it n we cant stop. Maturity do comes as we age. NP serves as a place I will alwaes remember. E road to KAP. Canteen 1 & 3. E library esp. Sweet memories... Camps...

Though it din turn out as wat I wish for. But I guess I am glad still tat it din end on a sour note. Its jus tat too much changes hav occur n we cant remain e same anymore. There is nothin I shld b upset abt. Cos we both noe we r changin for e better. We r. I believe. Mayb one dae, as we look back, we can still find things to tok abt.

If we ever do get to a stage whereby we can tok endlessly, tat means we can b good frens till e end of our life. However, we cant do so for now. E situation is jus too awkward for us. Jus let us b n let time tells us wats e ans.

I guess e fact tat I finally understood wat has happened helps alot. I hav done myself n us a favour. I need not habour to any silly tots anymore n I am able to let go. I guess I hav reali changed n grown up. I was never like tis in e past. Stupidly, I will hope n wait. Wishful tinkin on my part tat we can go back in time or there is possibility of us changin back to wat we used to b.

It has come to a closure.
I would put an end to it.
@ least, on my part...
Changes hav taken place.
I will move on...

Confused
Confused. I am realli feelin veri confused. Was readin forums a moment ago. I came across a topic n was reading it. After readin, I realli wanna to do wat e guy did. I jus wanna tok it out. We used to hav many tok it out sessions in e past. Mostly abt my character. I understand tat many would see it as silly as many would tink tat there is nothin much left to tok abt. I jus wanna noe if our frenship is there. I dun wanna to press on wat had happened n y tis n tat happened. Its all in e past. If there is anythin he would like to noe, I would tell him e truth. Jus do it once n for all. @ e veri least, I would not fred over n over again as to if we r still frens. I onli hope for frenship. Simply bcos...I love his accompany. I would rather b his good fren for a life time than being his gf for once n ended up on a sour note.

IF it din end up as wat I am hopin for, I would b able to stop myself tinkin. Mayb after e session, I would b able to b myself all over again. Quit tat tot...stop e suspense.

I am considering...

Untitled
Jus in a mood to blog. Many tots cross my mind now. I was readin thru my last few entries. Sumhow, I wonder to myself y I sound so suicidal. I hav no idea. Lookin back, I can onli sae time heals n I hav nothin 2 lose as I hav nothin 2 begin wif. (FYI: I will alwaes look back @ e things I hav done n not done) I am more optimistic now n I will just let things take its course. I wont do anythin as I do not wanna disrupt any thing rite now.

Many thanks to pple ard me who r helpin me out in my job hunt. Recommendin me jobs when they do see job postings. :) Thanks so much. Unfortunately, my hunt is still fruitless. Not bearing any juicy ones yet. I hope I see sum hope one dae. Events events events...event coordinator! E panicky in me increases with each passing week. With CNY comin n poly students havin exams, I am left wif barely few weeks to hunt! I hav come to a tate hereby I am approachin agency for help. I was veri confident I could find one without gettin e annoyin agent for help. Endless of meaningless calls frm them. Grr...

Alrite...I better turn in early. Cousin %#&^. Be back tml again. :)

Loving Sumone
Many would sae loving sumone is not hurting them. Sumhow, I alwaes hurt those I love. I noe I am weird. I guess I dun realli noe how to love sumone. I find tat e more I love sumone, e higher e tendancy it is for me to hurt e other party. I guess it is bcos I hav e tendency not to communicate wif e other party. I alwaes dun communicate much with e other party. Cos of fear. Wat kind of fear I oso dunno how to explain it myself. I guess I am jus damn weird.

Loving sumone isnt an easy knowledge. I guess I will take more initiative n tok to my love ones. :) Shall end off here.

Lost
Went for 'training' yesterdae. Or rather...more of understandin wat e heck tis co is doin. Manage to speak to an interesting lady. I enjoyed myself tokin to her. @ least it manage to take my mind off on certain issues for sum time. I am back to face it again. Sigh. I feel poor. :(

Jus like a spoilt radio...
It keeps repeatin itself...
E stop button wont work.

Sum asked me if I was ever angry wif her. Wat CAN I DO? Kill her? Get her outta my life? E onli thing I can do now is to move on n let time fades e memory of wat was done. But I doubt I can forget it. Cos tat fateful dae is my 21st Birthdae. It was meant to b e most memorable dae of my life...yes indeed it was. It was e worst nitemare of my life.

Many asked to forget it n move on. I wish it was easier. I wish its as easy as how ur hav sae it. I realli wish so. It took me so bloody long to be able to tell myself tat I hav gotten over Andrew. It took me 4 yrs! I dun wanna another 4 yrs to get over it. Every now n then, I still dream of Andrew. But I no longer get moody over e fact of wat I dreamt. I hate tis feeling. Its eatin me up. I forced myself to tink of other things...but its veri tiring. Every single nite...b4 I sleep is torturous. I cant help it. It hits me harder when e weekend arrives.

I hav lost e enthusiaism n zest for my life.
I feel like a walkin zombie.
Livin life as each dae passes by
I hate my life rite now.
I realli wanna get out of it.
I hav no idea how I did it 3yrs ago.
I got to do it again.

Wat I Fear Most Has Happened
I guess knowin e ans doesnt hurt me as much as wat he had done. Simply bcos I sort of anticipated e ans. As for wat he had done, I hav also anticipated it. But e feelin is twice more painful. Cos tats wat I fear most. Losing e frenship. For sum, they may not tink tat it is as serious as losing a frenship. Or rather...e gesture is onli natural after all tat had happened. But to me, I hav been thru tis situation again n again. E end result? I lose e person as a fren too. I din wanna tis to happen. I reali dun wanna lose him as my fren. I wanna our frenship to go on for yrs. Laughin @ each other over e stupid things we do while we r young.

If u r readin this, I jus wanna tell u:

U dun hav t0 avoid me. Cos u can b rest assured tat I wont appear in front of u or tok to u. Not @ e veri least for a long long time. If sumone were to ask me if I knew u well enoff. I would sae I dun tink I dun understand u but I dun tink I understand u well enoff too. Cos I simply noe where u will b. (tats 3 yrs back) Does tat meant tat I understand u well enoff? Yet, there r instances whereby I felt so distant frm u. I never seems to know how to handle u when u r unhappy. I do not know wat to sae to make u feel better. I do not know wat to sae to make u open up n tok abt wat upsets u. Leavin me feelin speechless knowin u r upset. Not like how u noe wat to sae to cheer me up.

All I wanna sae, I dun wanna lose u as a fren even after wat has happened. If wat has happened has caused me to lose u as a fren, I would choose not to let it happen.

Dread Stayin @ Home
I reali dread stayin @ home. Reason? Cos I get myself into stupid endless arguements. Its jus plain stupid n waste of time. I reali hate it. I am so used to wakin up to an empty house. Get out b4 anyone is back. When I am back, its dinner n bathin time. Then, everyone returns to their respective rooms. With more interaction, it brings more friction. Sounds pretty sad while I am readin wat I wrote. Oh well... I guess I come frm a typical Singaporean family. Tats wat our current society is facing...parents not havin enoff time spent wif their kids.

I am gettin more n more hot-tempered. An internal struggle. As much as I wanna to relax n not blow up, e higher e tendancy it is for me to blow. I hate tis side of me. I am such a perfectionist tat I cant stand e ugly side of me. (in terms of character) As for my looks, I am goin to do sumting major to it soon. When will it b? I hope to do it by 2nd quarter of tis yr. I dun wanna wait any longer. :)

Wanna get a job soon. Cos poly grads r comin out soon! Feelin abit panicky. I wanna make good use of my time. Pack it up wif so many stuff tat I hardly hav any spare time to tink of things which I shldnt even tink of. :)

I am gettin better...
Time heals...
时间会淡化一切...

Untitled
Another untitled post. I veri much wanna pen down all my feelings n tots. But... I understand tat it is not goin to help me. Tokin...discussin...bloggin abt it wont help me in any way. I veri much wanna get a job so tat I can occupy my time. Givin myself less free time to tink abt anythin which I shldnt even b tinkin of. However, I jus dun hav e mood to do so. No jobs appeal to me. I am jus damn sian. I am fine in e dae...being myself. Not in e nite.

Untitled
I tink I can blog a better post now. @ least...I am not tat dazed n tired. I am feelin myself again. Shld hav blogged a better post abt my birthdae. But there r many things which I dun wanna discuss anymore. Many tots ran thru my mind. Many 'wat if's. I understand tat one shldnt hav too many 'wat if' in his/her life. Hence, no pt to go n tink wat could hav happened. One would need to look 4ward in life. Cherish wats left in e current state n explore e other opportunities. Not shuttin e door out.

Yupz. So my main focus for being 21 shld b GET A JOB! I am gettin more n more poor each day. My paycheck is not in. Argh. It shld b in soon. I hope. I need to earn more $$ as it seems like I am goin to face a financial crisis soon. Sigh.

I am feelin so lazy to look for a job. Cos it can b pretty tiring staring @ e com n lookin thru e job descriptions. Then go for interview. Being e direction fool me...lookin 4 e rite location is extremely tiring for me. Sigh. I hate it. Feelin nervous over e interview. Foreva feelin unprepared for it even though I did read thru sum materials b4 hand. Last of all, it comes e most sickening thing. Wait. Sum wait r fruitful. Sum r jus plain wasting ur time. E cycle goes on again when e wait is fruitless. Wat a dumb cycle.

I hope I can get well soon.
I will b fine. Sorry.

Btw...frens, if u r bored, do call me out. Thanks. I hope we can go on low cost meals. =X

My 200th Post & 21st Birthday!
Time flies... I am officially an adult. EEks. When I was small, I wish I hav e power to make my decisions. I would not need to get an adult to sign my indemity form n etc. BUT...when I am officially one, I wish to go back in time. How ironic. Human r jus damn weird. I dun understand myself either.

Celebrated my 21st Birthdae yesterdae (5 Jan) @ ECP. Booked a crappy pit. Apologise to many frens. Cos made them walk damn far. Sorry once again n thanks for comin down. I told myself to remember every single one who came down. Afterall...it was a crappy far place n these r e pple who made e effort to come down. I am realli thankful n touched. :) They r: Joanna, Joseph, Chen Hwee, Raine, Zhong Wei, Grace, Jian Yang, Ming Ying, Janice, Joo Yee, Matthew n Adelyn. Not to forget, Guan Rong sms me on 5 Jan nite, Pierce called me tis morning n Hui Nee sms me.

Jus normal cookin...left damn alot of food. No one took sum home. Poor fridge...got kena squeeze with all e food. Received several presents. Wore e loretta dress to orchard on my birthdae dae to meet Grace. I din hav any extra clothes to wear. Goodness...I felt like I am doin fashion show. Felt e weird stares which I realli hate. But I cant b bothered as I was not in my rite mind to even tink abt it. Dazed dazed dazed...tired tired tired. Now....still feelin dazed. I cant snap out of it. Jus feels like I drank a glass of red wine down in a gulp.

Met her fren LY. Helped him to shop for presents but I was yawning away. I was tired. Not enoff rest. I din wanna sleep my birthdae away too. Grace sabo me n did sumting reali ridiculous. I still tink it is. I am still feelin dazed...emotionless... Mayb I am jus too tired. No pt cryin over a spilled milk. Tats wat I told myself. Wat done is oredi done.

I placed myself in tat shoes. I noe it is not easy. I imagined myself in tat position. I tink I would b angry.

I am sorry.