2007
2007 is comin to an end. Being e super bored me... I was packin my room n chance upon many stuff. Goodness memories of e past jus floods me. Sec skool daes...PJC 1st 3 months...Poly 1st & last sem... Also, I re-visited my old blog. Read my old entries... Feel gross out wif wat I blog. Feels totally ashame of myself. Laff @ myself over my silly-ness while readin my diary. I reali miss certain I would call 'segments' of my life. Of cos...e veri reason y they r so memorable is due to e pple I hav in my life back then. Sad to sae...not all them r still close to me. Lost contact wif many. Heres e veri reason y I miss those 'segments':

Sec Skool Daes:

Zhang Yi: This is one hell of a guy who makes extremely boring skool life memorable. Even though we were onli in e same klass for 1 yr. Tat 1 yr was e most fantastic yr of my entire sec skool life. His never-endin of suan-ings...throwin my face in front of e whole klass...comparing our resutls for my ever so lousy physics n english. I picked up many BAD habits frm him. Gotten real lazy...experienced wat it means to b slacker. But still...I din regret pickin them up n I still miss those daes which we cheated in our klass test. We argued over every single thing... I miss arguin with him. I was nerd b4 tat...studious...never like to fool ard. But...after knowing him, I changed into another person. Another problematic student in klass. Sad to sae, we lost contact after he left e skool after sec 3.

PJC 1st 3 mths:

My OG mates: They r one bunch of frens which I realli hang onto. I love them to e bits. Laughter is e muz hav ingredient in our get-together. Every single of them...is unique n stays special n close to my heart. I lost conatct wif many...onli manage to keep in contact with e veri few. We still hav great times together when we meet up. Yee Wei...Grace....Pei Yan...Pierce...Jerome... If I were to delicate a single paragraph for every single one...tis entry wont come to an end. Theres jus too many to name. I am thankful to hav met them n with their care, love n concern, it makes tat period of my life brighter in many other ways. I dunno if anyone remembers...I was veri upset bcos sumone I like alot left for another place to further his studies. They make my life more bearable. Thank you so much.

S07: My klass. Is a veri klass in comparison to sec skool klasses. We r one united bunch due to several reasons. We hated our in-charge. We hated tat paticular 2 klassmates of ours. We skipped e last dae of skool. We went to CDAMS to play. We grumble over Chem pract. We copied each other's homework. I lost contact wif all of them.

Poly 1st sem:

Chen Hwee: Oh well... I got to noe tis guy thru LSCT FOC Camp in 2004. Being in e same grp...later found out tat we took e same course. But...we r in different lect hall. Bcos of his large social network, I got to noe many others in LSCT. Also, I got to hav alot of fun. Hell lots of it in fact. He was e onli one who suan me over my blue lappy carrier which I bought frm Daiso. E onli one who never fails to hav sumting to suan me abt. Being e kou shi xing fei person, (i got to admit lah) I alwaes like to sae he is one terrible guy. In fact, he isnt. I jus refuse to sae he is nice. Never fails to make me laff till pengz. Never fails to whack him whenever he suan me. (still applicable presently) Gave me many many nicknames...Si Yao Guai...Kua Tio Gui...Window... No nice nicks...in return, I gave him 'nice' nicks as well. E one who is brave enoff to tell me e truth...piak rite into my face...or rather lappy...cos is on Msn. If I hav e chance to choose again...I wont regret knowin him although he piss me off pretty often due to e suan-ings. E one who has many qns...even more than my parents. I understand tat it is a way of showin concern. Thanks for tat. I dunno wat went wrong. It no longer feels e same tokin to him. Probably it is bcos we hav grown up n we lost touch with each other's life for too long. 2 yrs break in between. E endless arugin n suan-ing is still there...but sum things r jus no longer e same. I feel distant standing in front of him. I dun tink I understand him anymore. I dun tink he understand me tat well anymore. He used to understand me so well tat I got fearful of him(sumtimes). Afraid tat he knew wat I am tinkin...wat I plan to do...all my evil little tots. To b trueful, I am pretty sad tat we no longer understand each other anymore. Ran out of topics to tok. I jus hope tat we can keep in contact in e many yrs to come. Thanks for e wonderful memories n being so patient with me.

Guan Rong: My 'dad'. Used to call him 'Rong-er'. But I decided to change n call him Guan Rong instead. A wonderful listener to my never-ending problems. Esp. when I am upset over certain issues...pple...I will go find him n rant it out. When I seek help frm him, he would help me in every single way possible in my studies. I am reali thankful for e quotes he has for his life. 'Just Do It' by Nike. Tis is one quote which I never fail to remind myself. Knowin tat I am a deep tinker, consoles me with after much tinkin, situation wont change unless I do sumting abt it. Another advice which I will carry with me no matter where I will b in life. Thanks for puttin up with me n still puttin up wif me over my nonsense. (i believe)

Poly last sem:

FYP Group Mates + Matt: HA! Finally...its abt e 3 ladies n 1 EXTRA man. I hav wrote abt them many many times in my previous entries. How they bring happiness into my life. E stupid + crazy things we do which cant b carried out when u step out to work. Still...I wanna sae I love ur to e bits!

I feel terrible as a fren. I alwaes lose contact wif my frens. Lookin @ e list of pple I hav mentioned down here, I realise tat not many knew e existence of tis place. Lost contact wif many. Miss many pple in my life. I shld learn to b thankful tat I got to know them. Thank you so much.

I am turning 21 real soon. Being adult is no fun. In a moody mood. My mood has hit e rock bottom. I reali wish to find back all tat I hav lost thru e yrs...esp. in terms of frens. (those listed above esp.)

I dun believe in puttin down ur resolutions for next yr. Hence, I have never done yet b4. But I tot it would b interesting to see wat u wrote after 1 yr went by. So...here it goes:

Resolutions for 2008:

1. Find back those frens listed above except for Zhang Yi. He is too far away.
2. Understand myself better n allow pple ard me to noe more abt my inner tots.
3. Being a better daughter, fren n colleague.

Tats all for 2007...

告白
曾经有人对我说：“爱一个人就要说出来， 等待是毫无疑义的。”
但是，我一直以来就是拿不出勇气对他说。。。
一直希望他重有一天会明白。。。

I never manage to hav enoff courage to let him noe.
How I wish...tis xmas is spent wif sumone else rather than alone.
Not jus an sms frm e person...

Changes
I alwaes believe tat nothin in tis world is constant. E onli thing tat remains constant is sumting called "Change". How ironic isnt it. Changes occurs every now and then. Some pple changes w/o themselves knowing it. They onli came to realise e change tat is occuring in them when sumone point it out to them. Others felt e change when it is occuring in them. Currently in my life, I see myself in the later one. I am starting to not understand myself anymore. For e past few daes, I was spending a large amt of time alone. E reason is to find out more abt myself. I was tryin to listen to wat my heart tells me rather than wat my brain wanna tell me. I am disgusted n shocked wif myself. I feel disgusted bcos I hate to listen to wat my heart is tellin me for being such a "small air" person. I feel shocked bcos I did not realise tat there are simply too many things which I hav done due to wat I tink I shld do n not wat I would like to do.

Although I hav not realli come to a firm decision as to wat I wanna achieve in my next 5 yrs. But...a breakthrough! @ e veri least, I noe wat course I would want to enter for uni. I am pretty certain I would wanna take up e job @ Chevrons. (if I am selected) I do see how my experience in Chevron will help me in my resume for future jobs. However... I find myself doin things which I dun normally do. I feel differently as compared with e past. I myself cant reali pin point out e exact differences. Yet, I noe it is different. I find myself losing e 'original' self.

I reali hope to go back in time...
I reali hope u noe...
I reali wish tat I hav more topics to tok to u...
I feel like so distant frm u...

Uncertainty
I hav never felt so uncertain abt everythin in my life b4. Everythin...seems to be fallin apart. Even relationships tat I strongly believe tat I hav built a strong foundation on is showin me cracks on it. Wats wrong? Every single step I am takin now...takes a great deal outta me. I reali wish to find a helpin hand to hold on n tell me where n which way to go. Spoke to several adults...well, I am not considered an adult yet. Cos not officially 21. All left me wif open-ended qns. It all bounds back to knowin myself...who I am, wat I wanna b. It din occur to me tat knowin myself is so impt. Or rather...I alwaes tot I understand myself n know who I am all these while.

Lookin back @ these 20 yrs of life, I feel sad abt myself. Sad tat I hav alwaes been lyin to myself...not being e true "me" even when I am wif my closest relatives or frens. All e pent-up emotions & feelings. Being happy is being true to urself. I felt tat I was never happy. E fear of rejection eats me up literally. I am so afraid to disagree even over e smallest thing in tis world. I get swayed by pple comments easily. I was never firm enough to sae a strict 'NO' when it is called for. Simply bcos I never knew wat I wanna. I knew tat I got to b firm enoff n hav more faith in myself tat I am able to change e way things r goin. Faith is sumthing I hav absolutely ZERO percent in myself. Confidence...courage...never seems to b my frens b4.

Sleep has alwaes been my closest fren. There r times whereby I asked myself if I am reali tat tired. I knew I am not tat tired. But sumhow, e moment I let myself lie on my bed or jus on sofa, e sleepy-ness is so strong tat I can jus doze off anytime. I din do anythin productive todae. I was sleepin e whole dae away. Sleepin my life away. I gave myself many excuses for feelin sleepy. E real reason behind all these...after all e observations I hav over myself...is...I jus tryin to run away frm my problems. E greatest fear for me is none other than to face myself. No one in tis world is as scary as facing myself. Knowin e flaws n weaknesses in me, I reali hate seeing who I am in e mirror. I jus cant accept who I am.

I guess I will go into hiding for a while. Shuttin many things outta my life. I need to know who I am n wat I wanna. I need to learn to accept myself. I need to know wat I need to change to make me a better person. If u find me odd these daes, tats bcos I need to sort out things within myself. Give me sum time n I will b back soon.