Disturbed
Well...was studyin for my IS test tomolo. Yeah...darn IS. Oso got test! Grr. But sumting jus came on my mind...makin me feelin horrible. I lose my concentration...wanna let it out b4 I head back to work again. Dunno y...it is 10 times easier to type it out than to sae it out thru my mouth. Much much easier...jus a little online diary tat I keep when I cant find anyone to tok to. To complain to...lettin those who actually bother to read my blog noes wats goin on. Cant realli b bothered wif e powerful search engine 'GOOGLE'. Darn tat engine. I jus hate it.

I dunno y I hav tis feelin. It jus gets stronger as e weeks passes by. I dunno how she feel on e other end. But I tink tat we r realli driftin away in terms of tinkin. Tinkin is sumting tat is realli hard instill in one person. It jus leaves me feelin weary n frustrated. I wanna so much to do more...wanna help...but e timing is jus not rite. I am alwaes busy @ e wrong time. Grr. We no longer tok so much...I find it increasingly frustratin to b not able to help her. I find tat our tinkin r so different. Mayb I am conservative one...or she is e liberal one. I dunno. I find it hard to believe wat she is tellin me...so much out of my imagination. Mayb I am still immature in terms of my tinkin towards BGR. I dunno. Diff pple define it differently. I no longer feel tat we r realli close anymore. At least on my part, I decided to b e listening party now...but to find myself so hard to share wats goin on wif my life. Last time...she noes everythin down to e smallest detail. I no longer tok to her abt my 'crushes'. I hate growin up...if tat is wat tat causes all these differences. As we grow up...our tinkin changes. I miss those good old times...I remember once...she told me she was afraid tat we will drift apart when she step out to work. I remember it so clearly...I was worried too. But things din change after 1 yr she worked. I dunno when did tis drifting off started. Is age gap e cause of it? But we never had tis prob b4. I would b lyin if I sae I am not sad.

Back to work...enoff of my ranting. :)

Guys
Decided to take a break todae. HEEHEE! Jus came back frm my cousin's BBQ not too long ago. Got exposed to MAN! I muz sae they r MAN rather than GUYS. HAHA! Not bcos of age. But they r realli different. E 'stability' n 'security' feelin is there. Like u can foresee a marriage. U dun hav to worry cos u noe they will protect u if there is any danger. Not wif guys...u onli see a short relationship...one which MIGHT or might not last. E 'stability' feelin is jus not there. I cant realli sae y they r not there. But...it jus feels like it. The standard of my ideal guy went up again. LOL! Hmm...recently my perception of guys is changin. Like wat is being gentleman...e standard jus gets higher n higher. :P Tats bcos when u r hangin out wif guys who r gentleman(means to sae guys whom I am hangin out wif r gentleman! Ur shld feel flattered sia! LOL!), u realise how horrible it is to hang out wif guys who r not being gentleman! It realli makes a thousand difference. Now...I find myself cant tahan guys who r not gentleman anymore! Last time...I dun realli noe e definition of it...so I was sastisfied wif wateva it is. NOW...no more! U realli feel much more appreciated wif gentleman guys. U oso feel so good abt urself. I guess it is important to make other pple feel good abt themselves. It realli helps in ur human connection. Hates guys who makes me feel crappy n stupid. Small little gestures jus impress me more than those large ones.

I dunno y I crapped so much. But I am jus impressed wif wat I saw jus now. I feel tiny...not in terms of size. But in terms of tinkin...realli gets me tinkin if e guys of my age who I perceive as good guys r realli e good guys pattern anot. Mayb like wat many sae...I haven realli seen a good one yet. Waitin to see one...how shld one b like? I am realli curious!

No doubt u left me a realli good impression.
E zest in u impressed me...
ur sense of humor...
how gentleman u r...
makes me feel welcomed...
notices tat I make a comment when no one did...
copyin my little actions...
I wanna sae more...
I wanna express myself more...
I wanna expose my character more...
BUT...I am alwaes TOO shy to do so...
I jus cant speak up...
I dunno y

I dunno y I wrote all tis...knowin tat he wont be readin it anyway. E fact is tat I still miss him when I noe I shldnt b doin it. GRR!

In e mood to b mischievous
Got to study later...sian. Got to chiong liao...tis week. SO...wont update so often anymore. Do miss me n my philosophies! I noe I super long never share my philosophies liao. I will do so when tis stressful n crazy period is over. Tat philosophical ME will b back soon. :P *super thick-skinned recently*
*turns ON serious mode*

Hav been tinkin alot recently. Alot on things I hav been pursuing. Am I 2 too gan cheong over them? Or am I pursuing e wrong stuff? Everyone saes wait WAIT. Be patient. I am waiting. I told mum I dunno if I will b able to enter Uni. I reali dunno. I realli hope so. Cos I dun like my course. I hav alwaes taken it as a steppin stone. Nothin more than tat.

Hav u ever tot of doin sumting daring? Hahah...I dunno y. I am jus in e mood for one. I hav never ask a guy whom I dunno for his no. Dunno y...I jus wanna hav a try. :P Been pretty playful. Haha...

Would u trust sumone AGAIN if e person did betray u once? Wat would u do? I dunno. I may hav forgiven tat person. But I jus cant bring myself to trust tat person anymore. I am sorri. I cant pretend as if nothin has happened b4. Pple ard me did tell me to give it a chance. But I noe I will tink twice abt wat e person sae. I wont believe totally anymore. Cos I am afraid to b hurt again. I cant afford it. Call me selfish...stupid...wateva. I jus cant bring myself to do it. Once trust is broken...it is jus like fixing a broken glass plate. It will alwaes hav scars left behind frm e fall. PS: My advice to my frens outta...dun break tat trust I hav in u...if not, I am sorri to sae we cant revert back to wat it is b4.

I noe e tots dun flow...I am in a mess of tots now. Realli messy. Tons of knots here n there.

Dishwalla - Angels or Devils

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold


Shld I make it e last time?
Shld I see ya for e last time?
I noe I miss ya
Or shld I jus move on?

Lessons Learnt...
WooHOO! I am back! I am feelin HIGH! Yesh! Cos went drinkin. :P I drank Blue Lagoon...at one of e pubs at esplanade. Heehee...but e thing is e drink is jus not suitable for me. I dun like e taste. Eeeks. Todae seems like another lesson learning dae for me. Picked up many lessons. Realli alot! I guess u learn more when u interact wif pple. I was tokin to my cousins as we went drinkin. They realli make me more appreciate certain things in my life. Things which I never appreciate in my entire life b4. Alot more. Not onli tat, tat crazy gang of frens of mine...oso taught me dressin lesson. LOL! Oso...I experience 2 things tat I hav NEVER experience in my life. One...*secret*. Those crazy frens of mine will noe. Ur huh...I realli dunno wat to sae sia. -.-" 2nd...is to stay out late n went drinkin in a pub. E place is jus like a pub...jus tat it looks like a restaurant which serves alcoholic drinks. I noe I am contradictin myself cos I abit drunk liao. Lousy drinker lah. Wateva it is...it has nice ambience. :D

Come to tink of it, I guess I dun realli like to drink. I am interested in drinkin bcos I alwaes wanna hav a taste of how it feels to b drinkin. After todae, drinkin jus makes me so drowsy n tired. I hate drowsy-ness! It gives me headache oso! Wah liew...tons of things tat I dun like. Makes me feel like pukin oso...cos e taste is jus so awful. I am still a kid. I prefer sweet drinks still. Its not like I wont venture into drinkin anymore...but light in alcohol content pls.

I got to noe more abt myself todae. My cousins told me tat I am veri frank. Rare type of pple left...but much treasured if u can stand it. Cos u can get e real opinion out frm me. I wont try to cover anythin. Aww...*feelin proud* I am a veri frank person...or rather straight forward. Straight to e point is my style. I noe I will offend pple in tis way...but I jus dunno how to package nicely then sae it out. HOW?! Put flowers n ribbons?! Lolx. Not onli tat...once I laff...I cant STOP it! OMG! So...pls dun make me laff too much. I will get so high tat I lose control n get siao. It is realli true! I din noe I am like tis since young! I was told tat I was like tat since young n will laff in my dreams in e nite...IF I play too much. OOoooo...interesting! I din noe tat! Those who see me laff too much b4...ur noe lah. :P

PS: Got to clear sumting...b4 pple realli get e wrong impression. I AM NOT LES! Definately not. I am jus jokin lah. I noe I played a little too far to e extent tat ur tink I am turnin les. Tats how playful I can get...how far I can play. But realli...if it is realli wat I feel...I cant sae it out so easily one. I can sae it out so easily n freely is bcos I am treatin it jus as a game. So...relax gals! I still love guys more. In fact, I am a heavy colour light frens person. :P

Short Update
Jus a VERI short update... I realli got to sleep soon! *looks @ e time* GOSH! 1+am liao. I learn a few leassons within these few daes wif those frens I was hangin out wif. HAHA! *gets crazy over tis cutie pie* U noe who u r! *winks* Okie...I am gettin les! Opps!

Haha...back to wat I learn. Pple r not so DARK as I tot lah. Sum r simple n nice...sum r crazy n nice...sum jus sweet n nice. BUT...there r pple who r killin each other wif small knives here n there. Life is scary n yet amazing. One realli impt lesson learnt is tat IF u r SUPER suay like me...lose tis lah...kena tis lah...kena tat lah (tons of ah ma story)...then TRY...I noe its DAMN HARD. (I nearly wanna kill myself for tat) Try to tink tat it is sumting to prepare u for e worst. Yeah...I agree n believe it is true! BUT... I noe it is jus so damn hard when u r jus feelin DOWN wif ur life. (I been thru rainy daes after all)

Another impt lesson...I realli wanna pick it up. I realli hope tat I din cause anyone ard me to feel stress due to ME. Yeah...tats RELAX! I dunno how many pple sae it to me liao...more n more recently. :P I wanna to. I dun even noe y I am stress. I guess its e high expectations I hav for myself. I am learning lah...in e process...oso in e process of goin cranky. Time to buck up on my studies! Its gonecase! I need sum serious studyin time. :P

Got more lessons...but my eyes r shuttin! I cant tink now. Let me sleep first. I finally found e password thingy. YESH! So...might b implementin soon. Yeah...u will need my secret password to read. Cos no one tags...but alot of pple reads! Grr! Hav a fun time guessing my password! Whee! It is definately not goin to b easy. :P I seriously treasure every bit of my life now. I dunno when I will meet e down side again. SO...muz treasure! Veri impt. Live in tat moment. See ya! *I will miss ya cutie pie* :P

PS: Cutie Pie is so cute! She got praised like a million times a dae.

Panicky
Panick panick...PANICK ATTACK! I am feelin panicky over my studies. Buay steady sia. One of e modules is shaky...another one is goner! Super shaky! I dun even understand a single bit. I need tuition for tat. Haiz. Gonna hire my klassmate to help me. :P Treat her a meal or sumting? I dunno. I jus wanna get over wif these exams. Yet, I yearn tat these torturous weeks wont end so soon. I truly enjoy wat I am doin now. (though I dun understand my academic stuff :P) Sigh. Haha...I am such a contradictin person. :P

Lookin @ my organiser, I jus wanna faint n die. Work load is makin me breathless. I sleep like mad during lectures. OMG. I promise myself not to sleep in lect n tutorials. I jus cant help it. Been realli bad in term of sleep. Lack of it. I dun even noe y I keep feelin sleepy. Stress? Physically drained? Wat else?

I dun understand y I am so affected by it
I realli dun understand
I tot I come to terms wif it
I dun understand y e tot of...
Makes me sad
It wont b mine...never...I guess
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Y do I stil yearn to see ...
Knowin nothin will come out of it
I hav been controllin myself
Restrainin myself
I am losin e grip of it
Losing control...

Shld I make it e last time?
Will it ever b e last time?
Will I b able to restrain myself?

PS: I hav mysterious readers. E no. of pple who reads tis blog dun tally wif e tags! Sum stay @ my blog page for so long...read so much...then never tag. Abit disappointin sia. Eh! If I noe u, then jus tag lah. I wont hack u into pieces. (though I alwaes sae so! Heehee...) If I reali do, I wont b here anymore. I will b in JAIL liao. If I dunno u, then...hee...u r welcome to my blog. Do tag too! :D

*suspicious*
Hmmm...I guess I can expect a big increase of visitors to my blog. :D I din noe my blog is interesting. :P *thick-skinned disease is @ work again* I alwaes tot it was boring. Boring cos...I blog abt how I look @ things in my life. Sum pple tinks tat such entries r totally BORING. Philosophies...one after e other.

Was tinkin abt sumting my fren told me yesterdae. Hmmm...seriously, I oso dunno wat I can do lah. I am jus pleased wif wateva situation I am in now. I dun wish to change anythin. Not even a single bit. I hate changes in fact. :P Stubborn stubborn...

Alrite...got to do WORK AGAIN. Super sian...cos it is editing work. My england too powderful lah. Takes donkey yrs to edit. I realli HATE to EDIT. Grr.

Alakazam Alakazom
Alakazam Alakazom
Do my editin for me PLS!
Results: Failed attempt
I'll b back! Hmph!

Title-less
AHHH! I jus lost a whole chunk of it. My internet explorer HANG! Kaoz... Aniwae...jus a short one now...got to do work.

ATTENTION!
1 BIG announcement!
BEWARE! E SUPER talkative + SIAO char bor is BACK! Do remember to put on ur ear plugs when u see her! BEWARE! Her blur-ness can spread! Tats none other than...ME! HAHA! Yeah...e 'old' me is back. I am reali glad. I hav been lookin high n low for it. WOOHOO! So...if u feel tat u cant tahan e quietness anymore, do look for me! I am highly entertainin! Well-known for being thick skinned + noisy + jokes which links to blur-ness n stupidness. I can b contacted thru my hp 24/7. FEE? Orh...veri cheap one! Ur laughter! HEEHEE... I reali hope tis side of me wont retreat back anymore. :D

So...wat sparks off all these? Well...its due to my FYP mate. Heehee... Lookin @ her is jus like lookin @ e 'old' me. She makes me yearn to find myself back. Thru fun n laughter, I found myself back. I began to learn how to let loose of myself. (I mean I am veri uptight abt myself all e time...stressing myself out. NOT tat type of 'losse') It gives me happiness + fun + e zest towards life. I am startin to enjoy my life in skool. Wat a pity! E sem is comin to an end soon...then we'll go diff paths. BUT...I shld b contented! I got a SUPER GREAT start n a GREAT endin to my poly life. :D I realli miss those daes back in Sem 1. :D Though I did hav problems here n there back then, but it wasnt much of a prob to me @ all. I enjoyed myself still. I love my life to e max back then. Life rox! :D

Okie lah...I got to do work liao. Will b back to entertain ur soon. Wif my cranky stuff...n hopefully more sophiscated stuff. :) TATA!

Below are my fav. songs currently! I love these 2 songs man! E first one is... ... ... *read between those dots* HAHA! E second one is so SWEET! Aww... IF ONLI...haiz.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lonestar - Amazed

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away

I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch everyplace in my heart
Oh it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spent the whole night in your eyes

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you



歌手：洪俊扬
歌曲：喜欢你
你的表情
是我一整天心情的放映
你的背影
在我心里
全部都连结成一片幸福的倒影
是你让我去发现
原来心跳脸红是那么容易
一个微笑就
控制我呼吸爱上气球缤纷生气
我喜欢着你 我守护着你
不让你的心从此再单独旅行
每天电话当早安
意想不到的浪漫
还有满满的爱意
不让你从此受任何风吹雨淋
把爱紧紧握在手心不管你在那里
只离你一转身拒离
永远守候在原地

Mayb No One Understands After All These Yrs
Ha! Sae wanna go do work one. But got e urge to blog. I lost my ez-link todae. Sigh. I noe I super careless. I din wanna it to happen oso. I dunno y. When sumting happens...I wanna tell sumone so badly. Sum call it stress management. I dunno wat it shld b called. BUT...whenever I tell sumone...(usually I pick e person carefully) e response I got dun seems like e one I wish. I pick e person carefully cos I tot tat e person I picked will b able to understand how I feel. Cos e person noes 'tat' side of me? I believe we hav many diff 'sides'. U display a diff side of u doesnt meant tat it is not u. When I told sumone jus now I lost my stuff. I din wanna to hear things like "U alwaes like tat one lah". It makes me feel damn sick abt myself. I am oredi upset myself. I jus wanna a listening ear. Tats all. Issit tat hard to look for one? It makes me wonder if there is anyone outta who realli understands me? I guess I shld keep it to myself e next time. Y bother to tell sumone who makes u even more upset? It is irritating.

I am Weird
Imagine tis: U dun hav to do e work. Cos ur grp mates sae they will do it. They assign u work. But they did it b4 even u can. How do u feel?!

I dunno how pple feels abt tis. Sum might sae GREAT! Sum might b like me...dislikes tis idea. I jus wonder how many will dislike tis idea?! Afterall...human tend to b lazy. I guess I am weird. I prefer to do work. Without work...onli jus by lookin @ other pple workin, I feel useless. I dunno y I feel tis way. I wanna to b involve. Yet, when e work load gets too heavy, it kinda makes me wanna run away. Put it tis way, I love e idea of workin together as a grp n movin forward as a grp. No one to b left behind. Hence, I hate e idea of pple laggin behind me or I am e laggin behind. I will try my best to help e laggin one. UNLESS e person is way beyond my means of help. Yet, in life, contradicting enoff, there is bound to b a grp of pple contributin more than e others. I dunno y. I dislike tis idea. I like e idea of pple contributin an equal amt each. I am e laggin one now. Realli relaxed u can sae. I wanna help them so much...but b4 I do, she told me she finish liao. O_O Haiz... I will jus try my best to help out whenever I can. :) Off to do work...ciao!

Losing Control
I am losing control of myself. In e dae...it is perfectly alrite. It onli strikes in e nite. Esp. when I am all alone. I wanna tok so much abt it. Yet, I cant find sumone to do so. (due to sum restrictions) My best listener has jus gone NS a few daes ago. Screw tis stupid system. Sigh. Told myself to try not to bother him too much one. CONTROL! So I got no choice but to blog it down. Yet, I got to write it in such a way tat pple dun understand wat I am drivin @. Grr! I cant even mention any names. Google search is gettin too powerful. My lecturer jus told us he reads his student's blog. OMG! I hope he dun chance upon mine. I guess I control myself too much. Givin myself too many restrictions. Stressin myself out as a result. I hav been keep myself in control for e past 1+ week. It gets real bad sum times. I wanna it so much...yet I fear of e complications. AHH! I crave for a drink. Long time since I last drank. Anyone interested to go n drink n 4get sum tings for e time being? :P (Not clubbin...but sumting like pubbing OR sittin @ one corner n gettin drunk)

Sad news again. Sigh. Can sad news dun come for e time being? I need to pick myself up b4 I fall again. E wounds arent healed yet. I am jus tryin to put lots n lots of foundations n concealers on top of it. But benneath it, it is still raw. Appearance VS Reality. Ha! I am tryin hard to cover it...but who realli noes wat is goin deep inside me? I need a key in my life to bring me outta tis n bring me back to e chat non-stop gal. I miss myself in tat way. Life is more happy...I miss e feelin of chattin non-stop. AHH!

When will a bus comes along n stop by @ e bus stop? E pple @ e bus stop is gettin impatient. Real impatient. E pple r screamin n yelling for e bus. Stupid bus.

PS: Sorri for e never endin rant n rant n more rants! I jus need to let it out. :)

Slacker
I feel damn slack. :P I need to buck up liao. I have like 5 more weeks b4 my veri last (probably) exam comes along. I dun feel confident abt entering e local Uni. :( I hope I can do well. I dunno y. I never hav tis tot b4. I never tot of leavin tis place so badly. In e past, when I heard abt pple goin overseas to study, I will jus envy. But there isnt tis 'dyin to leave' feelin in me. Now, it is so bad tat I am tinkin of ways to get e $$ I need to leave. Mayb it is due to e fact tat I am unble to achieve my dream. I dunno y I hav tis strong urge of fulfillin my dream so badly. It is killin me. I dun wanna regret 10 yrs down e road...wishin tat I hav choosen a diff route. Sigh. It is killin me softly. Can anyone help me fulfill it? How much I wish I will strike e TOTO first prize now! HAHA! I muz b dreamin...cos I din even buy! How to win?! I cant get into e serious thinkin mood to write. Sigh. HELP! I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE!

Dunno Wat 2 Put As Title
I am not realli upset over it anymore. Now e saddness turns into anger. I jus dun understand y sumting. he din realli gave e full explaination. Onli half. I feel so yuan wang lah. I jus dun understand abt certain issues. Got forced to withdraw out. Is there fairness? I dun tink so. Pple alwaes sae life is unfair! But y issit mine is filled wif it?

I will eventually learn how to cope wif failures. I guess so. Afterall...wat doesnt kills u makes u stronger onli. I am jus preparin myself to learn how to cope wif failures in case a bigger one comes along. Makes sense? AAAARRGGGHH!

In Pain
Even though I kinda accepted e fact oredi. BUT still...I feel sad. It still hurts. Esp. when I am reminded of it n those images which I came up wif as I imagine myself over there. It hurts like mad to noe tat all these can never come true. I am grateful I hav my klassmates ard me in skool. It cuts down e amt of time I hav to b alone. I get to laff over silly jokes. It makes me tink lesser. I am realli thankful for tat. :D But when pple tok abt e incident, I cant deny e fact tat I feel sad abt it. It jus pricks into me.

Mayb I am too good @ coverin up my true emotions for my own good
Mayb tat is e veri reason y pple ard me might not know certain things
Mayb I shld jus let those emotions be known
Mayb I shld jus let restrain myself so much
Mayb I shld jus let my hair down instead of stressin myself out
Mayb I shld jus let my heart rule over my mind
Mayb in tis way, I will not hav so much regrets in my life

Heart-broken
I din noe it would hurt tat bad. I jus cant stop cryin. It is no longer abt my parents. But I lost my opportunity to fulfill my dream. A dream tat I dream for sum yrs. Now I finally noe y pple who kick out in competitions cries so much. I feel e same now. I got kicked out. I was forced. Daes b4...I was strugglin in decision makin. I was in cloud 9. Todae...I am in hell. It feels horrible. I haven cried so badly for sum time. A dream which helps me to hang on despite e tempting tot to call all quit. I had tat tot many times over n over again. A dream which helps me to push on when e situation is disastrous. Now...it is gone wif e wind. I can never find such an opportunity anymore. It hurts too much. Often enoff, I would ask myself if I hav done anythin wrong to deserve wat I get. Tis time...I realli dunno. Wat wrong did I commit to deserve such an endin? I dun wish to sacrifice tis. I dunno if I get over it. I noe I will hate tis to e core. Will I b able to pull thru n get together again? I dunno. I dun even dare to dream anymore. I dare not pray dae n nite for sumting anymore. E feelin of not gettin it realli kills me. I am bleedin inside...

PS: Thanks to e 5 of ur who replied to sms abt e small survey I held.

Decided
I went to tink abt e pros n cons. Lookin @ wat if I choose tis, wat would I get in e end? Wat will I learn? Tats e most important qn to me. Wat IF I choose e other, wat would I get in e end? Wat will I learn? After much considerations, I hav made up my mind. I dare not tell my parents directly. Although they sounds like they were okie wif e idea @ first, as e time goes by, it is not e case anymore. Haha...tats so typical of capricons. Soundin aloof on e surface, but deep inside, it has a burning desire. I noe wat they wanna. I noe wat I wanna. Sad to sae, it clashes. Shld I obey my heart or my mind?

If it is CONFIRMED...I dun hav much time left in fact. Abt 8 weeks to b exact. Haiz... I noe I cant bear...but I oso wanna fulfill my dream.

一边是梦想
一边是亲情
手心是肉
手背也是肉
我该如何是好？
如果你是我
你会如何作出选择？

Go? Dun Go?
I would sae tat I am determined to go. Or rather...I wanna go VERI badly. I tink I oredi make up my mind tat I will go. BUT...I dunno y. I jus dun feel certain. 100% certain abt goin. I dunno wat I am uncertain abt. Jus in a state of confusion. I cant even pick up wat is wrong. GRR! It leaves me feelin panicky n irritated. Cos I dun hav e luxury of time to consider abt it. I got to reply by Mon! When I tried to convince pple ard me abt it n applyin it, I was 100% sure + confirm tat I am goin. I was veri certain abt it. But @ tis crucial stage, I dunno wat leaves me feelin uncertain! Not uneasy exactly oso. I cant describe e feeling. FREAK IT! In fact, it is oredi confirm tat I am goin. I can oso sae 'NO' @ tis point in time. E decision all lies within me. I dun understand myself at all! Y IS TIS SO?! I need sumone to tok to. I guess I will tok to my mum abt it tomolo. It is burstin inside me. Wats more e offer sounds super attractive sia! I dunno wat is stoppin me. Seriously. I forsee myself goin...but I dunno y when I seriously go tink abt it, I jus feel uncertain. Or issit uneasiness? Everyone ards me sae 'Go lah! Its a good opportunity!' Except my mum, dad n aunt. I noe my parents dun wanna me to go. But they dun wish to obstruct me. Not onli tat, they noe I am veri stubborn if I make up my mind. I noe my aunt will b worried sick abt my safety. She sae she wanna to b able to see me. Sigh. Tat statement realli touched my heart. TELL ME WAT TO DO?!