Jus a tot
Since young, many pple sae tat I look like my dad. Some even sae tat I look jus like a photocopy of him. Well, if u actually go n investigate wat r e similarities, it is bcos I hav e same type of eyes as my dad's. I am thankful tat I hav eyes tat look like his. Cos his eyes r bigger as compared to my mum's my fav part of my body is none other than my eyes. =X However, I din like e idea tat I look like my dad. I hated tat comment actually. Cos I dun wanna to b mistaken as a "boy". Tis is often so as I used to hav veri short hairstyle when I am young.

As I grow up, I started to hav long hair in e hope tat I wont hear any comments like 'u look jus like ur dad'. But still, I do hear my relatives or outsiders makin such a comment. Come to tink of it, my dad n I not onli hav similarities in e eyes but oso in our character. We r veri much e same in terms of expressin ourselves n some characteristics. Mum once told me tat Dad likes to bottom things up upon himself. When I heard tat, I tot it would b kinda sad for pple who r like Dad as I feel tat bottomin things up within urself makes one's life veri sad. Upon self evaluation, I realised tat I am jus like him. I dun realli tell my loved ones wat is upsettin me so much. I like to give them a impression tat I am livin well even if I am not. I will try to wear tat smile on my face. It is jus a side of me tat is never been revealed to anyone. I dun wanna them to worry for me. I dun wanna b a burden to anyone.

I find myself havin a huge prob in expressin my feelings. Wat I yearn for is sumting onli I, myself noes. It is not bcos I dun share tat wif anyone. But rather, my actions n my feelings dun tally. I yearn for sumting todae. When it realli took place, I rolled my eyes unconsciously instead. It is onli after e whole incident then I realised wat I hav done. E impression tat I hav created to pple ard me. I can onli sae...wat is done cannot b undone.

On a side note, I wonder how many pple reads tis blog of mine. Cos I noe sum pple find my blog thru pple who linked me. If one can find me in tis way, others could do e same too. I wont sae I hav a small social network. But it doesnt meant tat everyone in my social network r pple who I can consider as frens. Some onli can b acquaintance. Some r not meant to b ur frens...they r there to let u noe tat there r evil pple in tis world. Hence, it makes me wonder...Out of those who read, how many reads my blog bcos they realli care abt wat I tink or wat I got to sae. Out of those who reads, how many reads my blog bcos they r jus KPO to noe how is my life. Upon readin thru those rough patches of my life, out of those who r jus KPO, how many feel happy bcos I am not happy. I will never noe e answer. It is like askin who r evil or bad. Pple who r evil or bad will never sae they r n they dun hav a tag wif them to help u differentiate who r e ones.

So...I am considerin if I shld close tis down. I might close tis down n find a new place to start afresh all over again. If u see me stop bloggin for more than 2 weeks, then it might hav been tat I hav stop bloggin @ tis place. :)

PS: Dun link me or ask me for e new add. U dun hav to ask me for it...I will give u if I wanna. Cos I will onli give to those who realli care abt me. :)

Him
It has become a routine to me. I got to tink abt wat to hav as lunch cum dinner for e next dae. Life feels meaningless. I feel like a robot havin trainin dae in dae out without any purpose. Imagine havin trainin for 5 daes a week n havin to work on both weekends, I tink it can drive one crazy. All work n no play makes one dull. I feel so boring as a person. I find myself takin jokes too seriously. It was meant to b a joke but I took it too seriously. I guess it makes pple ard me afraid to crack jokes wif me. I dun mean it seriously. I dunno y I take it so seriously. I din wanna to react tis way but I jus do. I wish I can relax abit more.

Jus recently, I found sumting which helps me to look forward to e next dae. If not, it makes me feel realli dread. I hate e long hrs n no life routine. Wake up @ 9.30am, go to CPTC, reached home @ 9+pm, bath, eat dinner @ 10.30pm, use com for internet access, sleep. Tis is my life for Mon - Fri. Does it sounds sick to u? It sounds totally sick to me. E thing tat motivates me is sumone I spotted in CPTC. I noe it is not a good way to motivate myself. But other than tat, I seriously feel nothin abt CPTC trainin. It jus feels like a routine which everyone has to go thru even if u dun like it. So wat makes him stand out among a 200+ population? Well, e reason is tat he looks like sumone I liked for a long long time. I am losing myself. I cant concentrate, my eyes dun look @ e big screen but it look in e direction of where he is sittin. I feel butterflies when I bumped into him. It is not bcos I realli hav a crush on him. But it is bcos he resembles e other him. They jus look alike to me.

It has been 2+yrs ever since I last saw him. I still remember e date clearly in my head. I was watchin a korean show n e plot of e show was abt a guy who meets his dream gal 10yrs after they got separated n how they progress after they met. I cried like mad over e show. I cried on every single espisode. It makes me wonder when will I ever meet him again. 10 yrs? 20 yrs? Or we r jus not fated to meet ever again? Will it b better to see him again or will it b better not to see him ever again? Of cos, I noe e ans veri well too. But I realli hope to see him again. I strongly believe tat e dae tat I bump into him again marks e dae which I hav moved on. I believe tat it will set in tis way so tat I wont feel sad or anythin abt him anymore. Hence, I am still workin upon movin on n lookin forward to e dae I will see him once again. If I can never move on, then jus dun let see him again. I will take it as a punishment for me. I will understand it on my veri last breath on tis earth. :)
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"Nothin is constant. E onli thing tat is constant is change." I believe alot of us hav heard of tis. There r changes in my life even though my life is so DULL rite now. These changes realli leaves me feelin disturbed. I dunno if they r positive changes or they r changes which is goin to post as a challenge to me in e later part. They realli look like positive changes. Y do I sae so? Cos these changes has got to do wif e attitude of e pple in my life. I can see tat they hav changed to treat me better. Wat is so disturbin abt tis change of attitude? *secret* I am jus not used to e way it is now. :) Women r weird creatures isnt it? I shld b happy to noe tat pple r treatin me better! But I dunno y I din like it. Mayb I like to b tortured? LOL!

PS: If my england is realli awful in tis post, pardon me as I am typin tis post wif a dead brain.

Touched
On Tues, sumone in my life realli touched my heart. It was jus wat I needed most @ tat point in time. I could clearly see the effort he put into our frenship. I nearly cried. I am touched bcos he was e first one who has ever done such a thing for me. I am oso touched bcos e timing is jus so rite. It happens when I decided to give up on myself. Tats bcos I feel dread towards life. I guess onli he n B@bymentos noes wat I am tokin abt. It was bcos of tat gesture tat he took which spurs me on n not to give up. I was tinkin of givin up tis frenship a few daes b4 e incident. I was reluctant to do so bcos I wanna tis frenship to last a life time. However, I cant help feelin tat it was one sided frenship. But after tis incident, it makes me regain my confidence in our frenship n it reassures me tat tis is a fren I wanna keep for my entire life. If I were to ever lose him as a fren, I am e one losing out. :)

It is no longer e same...
E feelin is no longer e same. I find myself unable to open up n crap like how I use to b. E feelin of jus crappin n baring ur heart to e other party is no longer there. That is wat realli saddens me. I seriously dunno how to go abt salvagin tis frenship. We r still frens but it no longer feels e same. I miss how we used to b. I dunno if it is onli me who is feelin tis way. I wanna stretch my hand n show concern as a fren. However, I am afraid tat he will misunderstand it. I dun wanna things to get worst. At e tot of tat, it kinda stop me from showin any concern. I seriously miss e listening ear I used to hav. In e past, I will jus go n tok to him n start my complainin session. As for now, I dun dare to call him up n complain abt my problems anymore. I feel bad tat he is listenin to me. It feels one sided. I guess there is nothin I can do to salvage it but try to keep in contact. If we dun keep in contact, I believe our frenship will end one dae. We will end up like strangers. Ever since e change took place, I dun realli complain or tok abt wat is troublin me anymore. Not even e closest person to me. I start to take a different approach to pple ard me. I started to listen to wat they hav to sae. When it is my turn to express my views, I am at loss of words.

E feelin of havin sumone to listen to ur problems realli brightens up one's dae. It is not as if I dun hav pple to listen to me but I dun feel comfortable enoff to open up myself. I guess wat helped me to pull thru those daes of misery in skool is havin a listenin ear. I am not good @ expressin myself. I jus hope tat he is able to understand tat I jus wanna keep tis frenship goin n I am not e same anymore. :)

Frenships
There r many kinds of frenships in this world. Sum of e frenships progresses to relationships. Sum of e frenships remains as frenships. Sum frens stay on in our life for a life time. Sum frens go when we take a separate path in life. Sum frens changes n makes u feel as if u hav never noe tis person as a fren.

I believe all of us hav gone thru many different types of frenship in life. In my own opinion, e different types of frenship mentioned doesnt hurt as much as e one I am goin to tok abt. I called it "The One-Sided Frenship". From e name of it, I guess ur hav a slight idea abt wat I am goin to tok abt. It makes one sad bcos @ e end of e frenship (if it ever ends), u realise tat u noe nothin abt e other party. I tink it hurts alot when u try so hard to noe more abt e other party but he/she is jus unwilling to open up to u.

I do hav frens who r unwilling to open up to me. As I put myself in their shoes, I understand e reasons behind them. I dun open up to my frens is either I dun trust her/him enoff or I dun feel comfortable wif e person involved to tok abt e topic being brought up. If my fren oso tink e same way as I do, I will so sad. Yet, I cant blame him/her. I can onli sae tat we r jus not suitable to b frens who can share our woes n happiness wif each other. It is alwaes me who is sharing abt wat is goin on wif my life. My fren understands me much better than I noe her/him. If sumone was to ask me abt sum of my frens, I can onli sae I dunno anythin abt him/her.

Changes
Its funny how changes can take place in our lives. Sum jus take place naturally under e influence of e pple ard u. Sum changes occur bcos u r "forced" to change. Situations in life n pple "forces" u to change. Hav u met sumone who "forces" u to change?

Being influenced n being "forced" to change is different. Oh well...being influenced means u changed wif a willing heart. U jus change w/o even knowin tat u did. Being "forced" is different. U struggle n "fight" it out wif e party who "forces" u to change. I hav my fair share of being "forced" and being influenced to change.

As I was watchin my fav show, sumting jus hit me. Tat show brings back lots n lots of memories. Those crazy daes of my life. Those daes makes me wonder if tats e real me. A side of myself tat I din discover it all these yrs. It makes me feel plain crazy. I dunno how come I will actually do those stuff. Its jus so not me. Mayb it is also part of me. A part of me tat will onli appear wif e rite pple. I dunno if I shld thank those 2 guys or to smack them. Those daes were crazy yet memorable. Thanks to one of them, my sec skool life seems more colourful n it leaves me missin my sec skool life. If not, most probably there is nothin memorable abt my sec skool life. Its jus plain boring. Not onli tat, it was oso bcos of these 2 guys tat I did change. I changed frm a studious student to a lazy bum to big time slacker. I oso changed frm sumone who will never whack a guy to sumone who whacks one almost on a daily basis. There are more changes tat took place. I guess those 2 changes sounds like bad ones. Upon lookin back, if these changes din take place, I might not hav e share of "fun". It was realli "FUN"! I might not hav understand wat it means to slack during sec skool daes. I might hav understand wat it means to skip lessons n run out of lect hall in e middle of a lecture. I guess everyone understands wat it means but how it feels is sumting u will onli understnd after u gone thru it. Such stuff will not b there foreva. I am thankful I tried them. U can never skip a lecture after u go out to work cos there is no more lectures. U can never understand wat it means to slack n cheat in a test after sec skool daes. Cos e chances of successful attempts r slim. These r jus e more prominent changes. Thanks for those horrible yet memorable memories.

I was kinda being "forced" to change under those weird ways n character of those 2 guys. Characters which u jus cant seems to comprehend. They r jus weird. There r positive changes too. But I realli struggled n fight dae in dae out wif e guy. It is amazing how obedient I can get @ times. I am astonished myself. Thanks again for those tortures. They did make me grow in a weird way though.

I am startin to regret over a statement I made. I wonder if I din sae anythin back then, would things turn out better than now? Would life b different? If I sae e opp. of wat I did, would I still stay in those crazy daes? Would I? Thanks to my impulsiveness. BAKA! But it might hav been a joke. Would anyone crack e same joke over n over again? Issit realli tat fun to crack a joke over ur feelings? I cant seems to differentiate e rite frm e wrong.

Shld I try to find back e frenship? I muz b mad. It muz b due to e show. Tats y I am so mad now. I dun wanna lose certain frenship when I graduate in 1 yr time. They r memorable. I dun wanna regret like how I did in my sec skool daes. I din put in effort to keepin contact wif tat bully. I am losing one soon...realli a great fren to hav. Sumone who will listen to all my crap. Will I b able to salvage it? I am hopin I can. I seriously dun wanna lose tat fren. Tat fren is one which I never wanna lose in my whole life. All e help he gave me thru these 2 yrs...all e shit I gave him...I appreciate them n feel sorri @ e same time. I feel tat I owe him a whole lot of it. E no. of times he helped me can never b compared to e times I helped him. It is jus too little. E no. of troubles I gave him...is jus way too much. I cant find a time tat I can meet up wif him again. I hope for a opportunity. Thanks for being there to listen to me when I jus need a listenin ear. U alwaes sae sorri tat u cant help me. Actualli I din wanna any help frm ya, I jus need a listenin ear. But I tink u helped me more than I hav helped u. I am sorri I gave u too much shit.

Wat I Wanna
Happiness is sumting everyone yearn for. It is e same for me. Many pple sae tat they r happy when they receive wat they wanna. It is also e same for me. As I was preparing for my exams, I set aside sum time to ponder over sum stuff. These problems hav been there for sum time. I find myself sayin "I dunno" n "I tink" veri often. Tats not e way to solving my problems. I would sae those r jus excuses I gave myself to run away from my problems. Everyone seeks for happiness. I seek for it too. I asked myself how can I attain it. I gotta noe wat I wanna in Life to work on it. As I ponder harder, I went on to search for my deepest desire. I alwaes wanted to b in e accompany of frens. At least, in that way, I would not feel lonely. I dream of havin a bf. Sumone who will lend me his strong n sturdy shoulder to lean on as I travels. Sumone who will hold my hand wif his strong hand as we cross e roads. E sense of security n knowin tat his hand will b there to guide me across e road. I do not hav to worry abt e on-comin cars cos I noe tat his hand will protect me. I bet all these sounds temptin to any gals outta.

E most impt qn is...do I realli wanna all these? I tot I wanna them badly. I tot they will b able to fill tat emptyness in me. They r all wat I assumed. E fact is wat I realli wanna seems a far cry from wat I assumed them to be. I tot I wanna a bf and a big grp of frens. E fact is I am so used to being alone. I feel weird when I travel wif sumone else n feel e 'silence' between us. I wanna tok to whoever that person is. I duno how to start one cos I am jus so used to travellin alone. I tot I would like community life n would enjoy it alot. I realised tat I dun realli like it afterall. I din enjoy myself as much as I tot I shld hav been. I tot I would like my frens to seek for my attention. I feel frustrated when my frens seeks for tat constant attention frm me. All things din turn out e way I tot it would b. I tot I would like to hav fren wif me on a shoppin trip. I jus came back from one alone. I find myself enjoyin shoppin alone more. I tot I wanna a bf to care n share wif me. Yet, there is one thing I find tat I cant seems to give him. Tat is none other than my time n attention. I am afraid to commit myself to sumting. If this is e case, I will never b a good partner. After much thinkin, I come to a conclusion tat I dun need a bf n I am actualli happier being single than attached. :)

Many of us hav a criteria for their partners in Life. Or rather a criteria for their bf/gf. Our criteria changes over time. When we were younger, our crtieria r based on fairy tales. Many of us dream to hav a prince charming / princess-like lady. As we grow up, we realise tat pple r not perfect. Those stories tat accompanied us thru our growin yrs r not true. Those characters displayed in those stories r pple who dun exist in our reality. Not only tat, sum of us learnt tat looks r not everythin. E inner beauty plays a more important role. Sumone who appear beautiful on e outside but not on e inside is not wat one will want. We started to change our criteria. Our criteria list starts to hav qualities like generous, caring, totful n etc. I am no different frm e others. My list jus goes on n on. Yrs down e road, if u r still single n pple ard u starts to get married, u will realise tat ur criteria starts to change again. Pple who we like may not b e pple who we can get along wif. U will wanna find sumone who can live wif u for e rest of ur life. There is a poem tat I hav heard of. There r 4 pple whom u will meet in Life. 1: Urself. 2: E person u like most in ur Life. 3: E person who likes u most in ur Life. 4: E person who is married wif u. Sumhow in a way or another, these 4 pple r 4 different pple. Everyone looks for "E ONE" in their life. Who is ur "E ONE"? Muz he/she hav e criteria u set for ur bf/gf? I guess most of our answer is YES! However, e person whom we eventually settle down wif is a far cry frm our criteria. Tis is bcos e person who can live wif u might not b e type which u will like. E endless search for "E ONE" leaves many pple feelin weary. Y not start to consider who e ones u can live wif rather than who r e ones u will like?

My criteria took a change. Even though I am happy being single now, I never noe when "E ONE" in my life will appear. As I dun wanna miss e opportunity of meetin him, e onli way is to noe wat kind of pple I can live. :) Wat abt u? ;)

PS: Do tell me IF my england does improve over time. THANKS! :D