Closing Down
Was full of confidence when I sent her my report for her to read thru. E feedbacks realli set me tinkin...if wat I wanna b in future, suits me anot? (a qn tat my fren post me...now, I noe e answer well enoff) Wat u wanna b...doesnt mean tat u r suitable for it. --> Makes sense?

Back to e feedbacks...it jus kinda point out my weakness. I cant write...for nuts. I can express myself well...I dunno how to package my report. It is horrible. She nearly wanna faint. I wonder thru wat way can I express myself better? Tokin? Nah...I tend to b tensed up for no apparent reasons n I will trip over my words as result of it. More jia lat situations will b I will tok like a machine gun. Writtin? I tot I could. But now, I dun tink so anymore. It is a pain in e ass for pple to read wat I wanna sae. Pple can summarise wat I wanna sae in 2 sentences...whereas for me, I end up writtin 10 sentences. Drawin? Nah...I cant draw since young. Got to attend drawin lessons summore. My art & craft was never done by me. Cos I jus cant draw. Dance? Tis is worst of all...I tink. Cos my hands n legs cant coordinate. How I noe? I did aerobics once...it was horrible...I end up lookin like a chicken. *smack head* I guess I practically listed out all e ways one can express themselves...good @ none. Its realli challenge to find a way to express myself. Y do I sae picture can help to express one tots? Pple sae tat a picture paints a thousand words... Wat abt dancing? Often enoff, we hav heard of pple using body lang. to express themselves...one of them is dancing.

If u hav been readin my blog all along...frm e old blog to tis new one, thanks for willing to spend ur time readin my blog. Or if u hav been readin my blog all e way frm Xanga to Zorpia to Blogspot, I jus wanna sae a million thank you to ya. I bet it muz b kinda terrible to b readin my blog, my sentences dun flow...my tots r everywhere...my england is horrible. Thanks for puttin up all tis crap. I hope u din wanna puke or faint @ any point in time as u r readin my blog. *pray hard*

I guess I will close tis blog of mine down for e time being. Got to brush up on my england...n start a brand new style of bloggin. Till then...see ya! :)

Mess
Got back my test paper todae. :( I made stupid mistakes again. Lesson to b learnt. I paid for it anyway. :P Skool work has been realli terrible. I am jus not myself. E standard is jus not there. I noe I can do way much better. Dunno y...e more I wanna to improve, e worst it gets. ?_?

Pick up sumting recently..."No Pain, No Gain". LOL! Oh well...I pick tis up upon seeing sumone's success. E person believes in tis motto. HAHA! Hmmm...kinda of makes sense as I went on to read abt his explaination on tis motto of his. Okie okie...I seriously hope tat I can focus n start pia-ing for my life. :)

Sumting came to me oso...tat is...we, human, cant stand alone. Well...I believe many of us hav heard of it. same for me. But I never seems to understand wat it truly means. Cos I hav been so used to being alone. BUT...now...I guess I need sumone to knock knock on tis head of mine. Or rather...knock sum sense into me. I seriously tink tat I am mad. :P Realli abnormal...its jus not me. Sumhow...I jus went mad over idolising. Wastin my time away happily...I noe I will pay for e consequences later. Yet...it still din urge to do sumting abt it. ?_? WAT IS WRONG?! Am I out of my mind? I tink I am. It is weird how I can onli feel more alive wif e music playin to my ears. Without it...I feel kinda of dead. E songs I listen to...oso seems weird. Its jus not e usual type I would like. It is out of e world kind. Cant realli adapt to these changes tat r takin place rite now. It makes me feel weird all over n uncomfortable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A song I caught on Class 95...*thumbs up* Enjoy! :)

Joe - I Wanna Know

Yeah, oh yeah
Alright, oh, oh, oh

It's amazing how you knock me off my feet, hmm
Everytime you come around me I get weak, oh yeah
Nobody ever made me feel this way, oh
You kiss my lips and then you take my breath away
So I wanna know

[1] - I wanna know what turns you on
So I can be all that and more
I'd like to know what makes you cry
So I can be the one who always makes you smile

Girl he never understood what you were worth, hmm no
And he never took the time to make it work
(You deserve more loving, girl)
Baby I'm the kind of man who shows concern, yes I do, oh
Anyway that I can please you let me learn
So I wanna know

[Repeat 1]

[2] - Tell me what I gotta do to please you
Baby anything you say I'll do
Cause I only wanna make you happy
From the bottom of my heart, it's true

[Repeat 2]

I wish that I could take a journey through your mind, alright
And find emotions that you always try to hide babe, oh
I do believe that there's a love you wanna share, oh, oh
I'll take good care of you lady, have no fear, oh
So I wanna know

[Repeat 1]

[Repeat 2 (2x)]

[Repeat 1 till end]

Disturbed
An incident made me feel so disturbed for 2 daes. For 2 daes...I cant sleep well. As I slowly get over e incident, someone who matters to me actually asked me to help her. She cried in front of me. Makin me feelin damn stressed. As much as I wish to help, time is alwaes a factor. AH~! I wish I can b Sun Wu Kong. I wish I hav wings...so tat I can travel faster. E matter...seriously speakin, I cant help much. I can onli promise tat I will b there for her no matter wat. Encouragement is e max I can do. I cant do consoling for nuts. Alot depends on e person herself. Tis is drivin me nuts. It makes me feel so disturbed tat every nap I take...I dream abt my problems...pple's problems. It seems like it wont end. Every nite...I hav veri disturbed sleep. Makin me feel so drained in e morning...like I din slept last nite. Zombie. I jus wanna a good sleep. It was believed tat dreamin occurs bcos u r tinkin when u r sleepin. I wish I can stop tinkin for sum time. It is too tiring. :(

I find myself feelin disturbed over sum stupid stuff. Not all though. But a majority of them r kinda stupid. Shldnt tink too much into it tat kind. Haiz. I noe I am not superwoman. Cant solve all e problems. Do one @ a time...y do they come all @ one shot? I seriously cant wait for tis sem to end. @ least...I will hav one less problem to worry abt...EXAMS! Then...I can slowly go sort out my problems n see if there is anythin tat can b done. Alot depends on my part...its all abt myself. Sigh.

I dun feel like I am myself these daes. Work...seems like goin down. I keep gettin problems here n there. I will buck up tis comin week. I need to wake up sia...n start feelin tat panicky feelin. Or e veri least...to start being serious abt work. Other than tat...I am thankful tat family wise is still fine. :) If not...I cant imagine wat will bcome of me.

I find myself complainin e entire post again. :P No constructive ideas. HAHA! Cos dun hav time to tink of constructive stuff sia...jus wanna get over n done wif so many stuff. I jus wanna head down to town once again...w/o havin to worry abt anythin @ e back of my mind. I hope I can find back e 'constructive' n 'motivated' me soon. :D I feel laid back...veri nua. :P *thick-skinned ah!* I still got e cheek to sae it. LOL! See ya! Time to do projects AGAIN! *screw it*

Grr
I am jus feelin sad. I wanna find sumone to tok to. As I look thru my msn list, I come to realise tat I cant find anyone to tok to. :( E person whom I can relate to is oso in BAD mood. Cant possibly go n grumble to her mah...I need to listen to her instead. Cos tats e way e female population works...bad mood --> grumble. After tat, she will feel better. I jus need a ear which is reliable enoff to keep all of e contents to themselves. :)

Upon communicatin wif pple, I find myself stuck @ expressin myself. I jus cant express e way I wanna. ?_? Y issit so sia?! Sigh. Feelin irritated wif myself. I wish to show concern...I wish to relax n play. But...it turn out tat I look more tense than ever. I seems more bo chup than ever. I wish to tok...ended up...I listen more than I ever tok.

Oso...I realised tat I feel pai seh SO easily. E uncle or guy of e store jus teases me a little. I oredi wanna hide my face liao. Cant take it. I nearly wish there is a hole in e ground...so tat I can hide my face there. :P

I did sum stuff tat realli makes me feel uncomfortable. I lied to Mum. Tis is bad. I hate it. I used to b such a good liar. Now, as I no longer wish to lie, I become CMI in lying. Realli bad. I almost let e cat out of e bag. Mum sure feel suspicious. I am a lousy liar now. :( Mum alwaes seems to hav radar everythin to sense abt my whereabouts n if I can lyin. She is good @ it sia.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

E followin paragraph...if u dun understand, its okie. I am jus lookin for a place n see e need to let it out.

I hate feelin tat way. It makes me feel realli evil. It kills. Yet, I cant help it. I jus cant hide how I feel. It is alwaes written over my face. I guess not onli wat happened dampen my mood...but e dreams I hav for e past 2 daes oso. It kinda kills my mood. I am so easily affected by tiny stuff in my life. :P

Y?! AH~~! I jus cant take it sia. It makes me so PISSED. I tried damn hard to control tat emotion. It is killin me. I jus got to admit I am sensitive lah. Sumtimes...abit overly. It affects me so badly...tat I wanna cry. 对别人宽容，就是对自己残忍。 I am not as brave as tat person's' to do all tat. I dare not. If I could...I tink things might turn ugly over time. I dun wanna to put anyone in a spot. Reali dun wanna...cos being in a spot is irritatin. I understand. Yet...I am feelin horrible. I seriously dun understand y pple hav to do tat. GRR! Shld hav took 74 home...then I can b alone to tink thru stuff. Haiz... Jus take it I tink too much. Its all on my part...my fault. :(

我不知道我可以忍多久。。。
我真的不知道。。。
我好想。。。
AH~~~!

I lost 2 things
Yupz...I lost 2 things. They r my heart n my mind. I hav never felt tis way b4. Never...I am veri sure. I wonder y e change tis time. Sigh. I lost my heart n mind over a show. -.-" Yeah...practically crazy over e show. I hav never gone SO crazy. B@bymentos noes it best. Cos I alwaes grumble to her tat I cant watch e show n got to do work. Causin me feelin irritated. I nearly wanna buy a VCD of a concert of e male lead in e show. Cos it is onli $9.90! Super cheap lah! OMG! All his fault...makin me losin myself. I am losin control of myself. I hate tis feelin. Its scary. E consequences to pay is high too. As I hav said b4, when e show ends, my craziness ends too! But...tis one...dun seems like e case. :( I will not go crazy to e extend of buyin stuff...cos I am a PIRATE! Haha... But tis time...I even comtemplated to buy one. Tis is bad man. I hav a fren who loves to chase idols n spend all e $$ she earned on buyin VCDs n stuff. On my side, I prefer to spend e $$ earned on myself. :D But now, I am no longer sure anymore. I forsee myself headin my fren's direction. Mayb one dae, we'll chase idol together...but different idols...cos different taste! LOL! :( Help!!!

I seriously dunno wat issit tat makes me so attracted. Tokin abt looks...he is jus not e type I would go for. Tokin abt body...eh...tis one hor, I got nothin to sae sia. His body is...errmm...u noe...O_O Gorgeous is e word ba. :P Hmmm...but I tink e main thing is tat e plot of e show. E characteristics tat those main leads displays. Esp. e male lead. Both e female n male leads quarrels like no one's business. They never seems to agree on ANYTHIN! Yeah...tis reminds me of a part of my life. I been thru tat. Twice. Well...mayb bcos of tat + I am being bo liao for e time being, I am missin those daes. Yupz...I noe its BIAN TAI! Over time...I am trained to b one due to e pple I am exposed to. Sigh. I miss those arguin daes whereby I noe no matter how bad e arguement turns out to b...our frenship will never b affected. Frm e biggest prob to e duh-est prob...we jus argue. Over nitty gritty stuff like jus a comment. LOL! I realli tink I am jus too bored wif my life lah...tats y like tat. Though there r problems in my life waiting for me to solve, there r probs which u hav no control over. I cant b bothered wif it. I am jus sick of tryin to solve. Let it b tat way. I need a break. A fren of mine once told me tis --> "Y bother to tink over sumting which u hav no control over?" I felt tat he makes sum sense lah. Since u cant hav control over it...u could onli hope n pray tat it will turn out good! Well...there r such probs! If u tink hard enoff...u would noe wat I am tokin abt. :P

I wanna so much to watch e show now. BUT...I noe I cant. CONTROL! I got to control. If I lose control...I noe veri well tat I will b grumblin away over my work again. :P Work is waitin for me. :( I will definately chiong e show after my exams! Jus hope tat they will continue broadcastin it. PLS! If not...I will need to pocket out my $$ to buy VCDS liao. :'( I am jus obsessed wif it lah. I wanna everythin related to e show. I love everythin abt it. E theme song drive me mad. E show makes me eccentric. Sum espisodes makes me wanna jump into e show n b e female lead. Enjoyin e pamper tat e guy offers. Sum espisodes makes me wish tat my tear glands would work...so tat I might feel better after e cry. Sum espisodes...comprises of both. So...@ one time, I am laffing my heads off...e next moment, I am cryin like mad. HAHA! Madness!

Okie...time to do project. ARGH! Wat a dae! Its FRIDAE! I shld b party-ing (not clubbin btw) or playin my hearts out. Or jus simply...rotting. :( CHIONG AH! I hope tat I can chiong finish everythin asap. :) Wish me luck for tat. I am screwin up my tests these daes. :( All e best to those preparin exams outta! Enjoy chiong-ing! LOL! See ya! ;)

Dead
I feel so dead. Cos my test for todae is SCREWED. I feel so dead. I dunno if my ans were correct. I jus hope for a pass. Seriously. It beats a fail. I dun wanna to fail e first test ever in poly. :(

Jus a short update...me goin into hidin once again. Another packed week wif tests everydae. Muz concentrate on studies liao. But whenever I put my heart n soul into studies...sumting MUZ come n distract me. Insects lah...come into my room n sae 'HI'. If not...like last nite,here itch there itch...makin me scratch all over. Sumting will definately happen to distract me. Sick. So...goin ignore all other distractions n concentrate well for 3 whole weeks. I wonder if I can tahan tat long. Hmmm...we'll see.

Okie lah...I shall end here. Back to work...n takin lunch soon. See ya! :D

Time 2 Wake up
Phew! I am thankful for one thing tat scares me yet...it serves as a reminder to me. Tats when I was tokin to WL, she mentioned abt exams n stuff. Then...I realised...MY EXAMS R JUS 3 WEEKS AWAY! OMG! I was like huh?! SO fast?! Die...I still in my happy land...happily enjoyin myself. Indulge in e show I am crazy over. Time to wake up liao. Cant watch e show anymore. Kinda sad. :( Cos...

Tat show is my motivation now. :P Yeah...I am motivated to reach home asap everydae to catch e show. Haha... I am so HOOKED to e show. It is SO addictive. As bad a cigarette. Cos my results is headin in e down direction...cigarette leads to ur health instead. Aww...I need to find a new passion to hook me on so tat I will b motivated to study. I feel so reluctant to sleep or study...I jus wanna sit there n watch e show e whole dae. Doin nothin else. Serious. Bad bad bad... Mayb...I can use tis show as e motivation to study hard. If I do well...I will get e VCDs of either tis show OR e other one which I was oso hoooked on e other time. Then after every 2 hrs, I get to watch one episode of e show. WHEE! Sounds good? 1 espisode = 1hr. Haha... But...still not too good...cos I noe myself veri well...I wont STOP! :P Will tink of other ways.

Its pretty weird how my perception of stuff took a change these daes. It no longer attracts me anymore. I am tired. It drains me out...physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel much much better wif wat I am pursuin now. Hmmm...funny to me. *scratch head* I tink I will jus leave it as it is. Cant b bothered wif it anymore. I guess I will b happier tis way. :D I oso dunno y it jus took a change. Haiz...I jus hope tat B@bymentos n I can tide thru tis. We both facin e same shit again.

Mayb idolising isnt tat bad. I am so hooked. I jus got hook on it. It is good cos no hurt...no pain...no disappointment...no $$ spend...(cos I noe myself too well...I wont go to e extend of buyin concert ticks n cds...LOL!) Wat else? I dunno. But tats enoff for me currently. I tink e last ting tat realli matters to me more is...u can end it asap. No conflicts. No pain...simple. Wahaha...

Frens who noe abt my life in greater detail alwaes sae my life is interestin. Cos like drama loh...like Zhen Qing like tat. Involve alot of pple...conflicting stuff here n there. Be it frenship...kinship...relationship...loveship?! Got such a ship? or rather Titanic better lah! To me, headache ah! I jus see knots here n there. Untangle one...another one comes along. :( Pple tend to sae havin a busy schedule = meaningful life. To me...no leh. I had abt 2 weeks of crazy rush. I din find my life meaningful. When I told sumone my life is a mad rush, she told me...good lah, purposeful loh. HUH?! To me...NO! I feel so dread over it. I hate tis mad rush...I dun find it meaningful @ all! I find shoppin wif anyone...along e shoppin trip, I get to noe e person better...more meaningful! Rather than rushin here n there, dun even noe y u r rushin n wat u r rushin for. *shrugs*

Okie lah...got my wake up call. Time to chiong studies. See ya!

I Tink I Luv u
E Korean Version...

Byul - I Think I

그럴리 없다고 아닐꺼라고 믿었죠
It wasn't possible, so I believed it wasn't true
내가 그댈 사랑한단 이 말도 안되죠
Me loving you, these words don't even make sense
괜한 질투일꺼라고 내가 외로운가보다고
I'm probably just jealous, I guess I'm getting lonely
자신을 속여봤지만 이제 더는 난 감출 수가 없는걸요
I hid my feelings before but I just can't do it anymore

우린 안어울린다고 친구 그게 딱 좋다고
Maybe we are not suited to each other
It would be good if we are just friends
하나부터 열개 도대체 뭐 한개라도 맞는게 없는데
From one to ten, we never agree on anything
How can we have a relationship?
어떻게 사귈 수있냐고 말도 안돼는 얘기라고
People say we won't be able to do it
말하며 둘러 댔지만 이제더는 난 그러기가 싫은걸요
I've been surrounded by those words and I don't want to be anymore.

(Bridge)
난 몰랐죠 그대라는걸 Woo 왜 못봤죠 바로 앞인데
I didn't realize how I felt about you,
Why couldn't I see? It was right in front of me
그동안 이렇게 바로 내곁에 있었는데 왜 이제서야 사랑이 보이는건지
That whole time you were right next to me
Why is it now that I finally see that it is love?

(Chorus)
I think I love you 그런가봐요
I think I love you that's how it seems
Cause I miss you 그대만 없으면
Cause I miss you when you're not around
난 아무 것도 못하고 자꾸 생각나고 이런걸 보면 아무래도
I can't do anything except think about you
If I look at how things are I know

I'm falling for you 난 몰랐지만
I'm falling for you, I didn't realize it but
Now I need you 어느샌가 내 맘
Now I need you, somehow deep in my heart it grew
깊은 곳에 아주 크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요
Now all I want to do is take care of you

E Chinese Version...

范玮琪 - I Think I Love You

一天过一天,从不确定就有答案
就想这样停留在只有你去的方向
每当你出现在我身旁
就感觉爱情的重量
我越在意越难衡量就越放不下
越不去想就越是他

I think I love you 爱就是这样
Couse I miss you 喜欢你善良
陪你去狂欢,会偶尔吵架,吵累了说贴心的话
I am falling for you 爱就是这样
Now I need you 想等你放假,要一起分享
今晚的星光,当你说要收捕幸福不打洋

我们越看就越想,不说也能了解对方
画同一张图话,想同一个梦想
幸福是一座大灯塔
少了你世界就照不亮,你一定会再给我力量
其实爱我并不复杂,知心的对话,就能够往幸福出发


I think I love you 爱就是这样
Couse I miss you 喜欢你善良
陪你去狂欢,会偶尔吵架,吵累了说贴心的话
I am falling for you 爱就是这样
Now I need you 想等你放假,要一起分享
今晚的星光,当你说要收捕幸福不打洋

可时常热恋的人受伤,爱也总让人们变得坚强
我们不会知道,以后的日子会有多长
在我的世界,都有会有你守护肩膀

I think I love you 爱就是这样
Couse I miss you 喜欢你善良
陪你去狂欢,会偶尔吵架,吵累了说贴心的话
I am falling for you 爱就是这样
Now I need you 想等你放假,要一起分享
今晚的星光,当你说要收捕幸福不打洋

Hav u ever...
Hav u ever experience these?

"What happened to ya?"
"Y r u like tat?"
Eyes starin @ ya machiam u sum alien on tis planet called earth.
Weird glances.
Pple avoidin/afraid of ya cos u r "different" frm them.
Pple tokin behind ya or rather gossipin abt ur "differences".

To me...none of those above is unfamiliar. I experience them when I first step into skool. Not pri skool...but nursery. U see aunties gossipin their hearts out n e eagerness in their eyes to dig out more gossips abt ya. Y do I hav such a tot of all these now? I am almost 3/4 done wif e book tat my cousin wrote. It was a touchin story abt his life...teared thru e chapters. Much of e book was tokin abt his emotions...I felt so much like him. Being a rebel in e family. Seen as e 'devil' among relatives whom dun realli noe me well. He oso touched on e experiences he had to go thru. It jus hit me so HARD. I cant help but feel weak. I am like 100 times or even a 100,000 times weaker than him in terms of mentality. E positive attitude towards life...takin things in his stride. I am jus way way behind him. I hav veri much same experiences as he do. Veri much e same. @ least those mentioned above...I experience them one by one since young. I dun tink I need to explain further abt e 'differences' mentioned. Ever since e veri last operation, I tot I hav a new lease of life. No more such probs. Or @ least I will b veri much like any other 'normal' pple walkin ard on this earth. I was wrong. When sum1 feedback to me abt e thing I dread most...I felt like e nitemare is not over. Its here AGAIN. E thing I fear most is e fact tat pple r avoidin me due e "differences". I cant help feelin veri distubed. To me...it jus makes things so hard for me to make more frens. I feel inferior. I dunno if u can accept me for who I am. Its not my choice. If I can choose...I wont wanna it tis way. No one can comprehend tat. Or rather...pple jus din tink abt tat point. Do u actualli tink e pple who r "different" frm ya wanna it tis way? To stand out in e population?

He is realli a million times better than me. I got to bow down. Cos of e fact tat he could handle sumting which I cant handle for e past 15yrs of my life. I still cant handle it well. "Y r u like tis" --> tis qn was posted to me when I was in nursery if my memory din fails. As compared to him, he conquered it in jus a matter of months. Not yrs. Klassmates of mine loves to ask. Be it out of curiosity or jus plain KPO. He handles it well within himself. I dunno how he went abt it. I jus cant. It hurts like mad. Its jus like sumone takin a knife to cut out an old wound. A wound which u tried so hard to stitch it up n cover it up wif tons of foundations n concealer to lighten e scar. As I grow up...pple ard me r more sensitive. They learnt not to ask such qns. Cos they noe it hurts. I cant smile like e way he would when approached wif such circumstances. His mentality is way stronger than mine. I wish to tok to him more abt it. But I fear of remindin him of e past as I myself noe it best how much it hurts.

There r times when my tots jus run wild. It runs to places where I never wanna explore. Never. Cos it jus hurts too much. Y me? Y choose me? Y cant it b sumone else? Y do I hav to go thru all these shits when others dun hav to? Wat did I do in my past life to deserve tis? These qns come never endin to me. Cryin din help. Durin one of my experiences in stayin in e hospital, a mum came askin me qns if I did ever gone thru wat her daughter did in her skool. Her daughter is veri much like me...being "different" frm others. If I did ever feel ostracised due to e 'differences'. It jus feels like she smack e truth rite into my face. I been thru them. No one noes it best except me. Cos I din tell anyone...not even my parents noes. Not even my closests ones. I din noe y I din tell them. But I jus try to take it in my stride. Occasionally...releasin them thru cryin. I am thankful my mum wasnt ard then when she asked me. I din wanna my mum to noe.

Pple hav tis high tendency of sayin "I understand how u feel/wat u hav gone thru". Cos it is jus too easy to sae so n too comfortin for e person on e receivin end. Dun tell me u can understand how I feel when u din experience all those mentioned above. Dun tell me u can try to put urself in my shoes. Cos e fact is u can never realli comprehend tat when u din experience it urself. As much as I try to understand n put myself in e shoes of e writer, to b frank, I still cant realli comprehend wat he went thru for sum parts. I seriously cant imagine it. It is jus so out of e world.

They dun need ur sympathy.
They jus wanna ur acceptance.
They jus wanna ur understandin.
Tats all they r askin for...issit too much?