Relationship
10 ways to make your relationship more successful(FOR ME ONLI...haha):

1) Make sure you want to be in a relationship and that the person you are with is right for you.
2) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt — assume that they are trying their best to make you happy and are acting with your best interests in mind.
3) Be a little flexible in terms of how much closeness and togetherness you need.
4) Learn how to communicate in ways that will promote your relationship and build closeness and understanding between you. For example, show respect, not criticism.
5) Learn how to love yourself and how to be in touch with your own emotions — don't deny or suppress what you may be feeling or thinking.
6) Find ways to keep the passion in your relationship alive.
7) Learn to tolerate adversity and stress.
8) Experience life together as an adventure.
9) Accept each other's idiosyncrasies when it comes to sex — working it out can only maximize pleasure.
10) Take time out of each day to grow your relationship together.

Hmmmm...I seriously tink tis ways realli jus pointed out my mistakes in my relationships wif pple. E first one...I tink I will not go too much into it. Cos it is more of romance?! 2nd...yah...I dun deny e fact tat I might b too suspicious of pple. I got to learn to give pple e benefit of doubt. 3rd... Sumtimes...I feel tat I might b abit too clingy. So...oso muz learn tat everyone hav their own life to lead. :) 4th... Sumtimes...I noe I might b not respectful to pple ard me. So...another lesson. 5th... Tis one...I tink onli I, myself, noes it e best. Yeah...tis one almost happens everydae. I hav a high tendency of denyin or suppressin wat I am feelin n tinkin. I jus hav tis fear of lettin pple ard me noes wat I am feelin. 6th... Tis one ah...I realli need to learn sia. Feedbacks I get sumtimes is...I am BORING. Not onli tat, I get tired of stuff n pple very easily. I jus lose e passion loh. 7th... Learn to tolerate stress. Look @ me...u see me tis pattern. Do I need to sae more? As for adversity, I dun hav e patience for some cases. I will jus give up loh. 8th... Hmm...tis one seems abit hard to understand. Experiencin life wif pple... Eh...I tink I will put it tis way. There r times whereby I dun allow pple to step into my world. I dun open my doors. I am in my world alone. 9th... Ermm...wah liew...wat u wanna me sae?! How I noe sia?! 10th... I tink tis one refers to my family. As I hav said b4...there r times whereby I am too preoccupied wif sum stuff. I dun realli spent time wif pple who r impt to me. I will jus neglect them.

Haha...wah seh...*faints* SO many lessons to learn! I wonder when can I realli learn all of them! I tink I will jus start wif e 2nd n e last one. E last one...I am on my way to learnin it. As for e 2nd one...I will try not to tink too much lah. :) As for e others...well done! We'll wait n see how lah. SO many! Need alot of time ah! Pardon me sia...I promise to brush up on them.

Sigh. Dinner was bad. I had porridge. Haiz. :( Tink I got sum virus frm my mum. =X Cos my mum oso same prob. Her doc warned her tat it might spread. ARGH! 1 week of light diet. Sicko. Thank goodness it wont affect my birthdae. :D =X *thick-skinned*

Aniwae...jus learnt tat tokin wat u feel not so bad lah. Kind of gettin used to expressin myself. But e thing is weird...I feel myself trembling! Issit e med @ work?I tink so bah. Argh! Stupid med. I hate med all e time. It jus eeks me off. I feel like a genius. Din realli study @ all loh! Not much serious studyin done.

Okie lah...I dunno wat am I tokin liao. Time to look for food! I am hungry. See ya!

In Dilemma
I cant help feelin tat way. Sumone's personalised nick on my msn goes like tis..."there will an end to everythin...as long as there is no regret". How true. I shld not b regrettin. I choose tis myself. I shld put an end to tis. I can onli blame myself for wat I hav done. Haiz...

Stop IT!
I cant carry on tis way
E sense of guilt is after me
I noe it well enoff @ e beginnin
I choose e wrong path
I hav no idea where I was headin
I din wanna it tis way
I am left wif no choice
I dun wanna b tat in e end
I am sorri
I wish I can tink of other alternatives
I wish all tis din hav to b in tis way
I wish I wish...
Sumone outta understands...
Jus one will do...

There r times in life when there are decisions tat u need to make. Those decisions kills u more than anythin else in life. I am in one now. These r decisions tat need to b attended to quickly. Yet...I noe tat it is bcos of all tis sick feelings tat is goin to help me stronger if I ever come across it again.

Frens
My Personal Recount...
I used to tink tat I got e correct definition of frens. I used to argue wif my mum over e bunch of my so-called 'frens'. She scolded me for being naive and stupid to tink tat my bunch of so-called 'frens' r truly frens to me. I got my priorities wrong. I placed my rankin as follows...
1)FRENS!
2)GUYS!
3)FAMILY! --> Yupz! Tis is alwaes one of e last in my list of priorites!
I tot I was on e rite track. I go all out for my 'frens'. Tats wat my parents claims. I got to admit it too. I will go all out for my 'frens'...I will go to extend of hurtin my relationship wif my family to protect my 'frens'. How silly! My pigs n dogs 'frens' (zhu peng gou you) were great to pass time. U hav any idea wat I enjoy doin not too long ago?! Like 1/2 a yr ago. I feel digusted to sae it. I feel disgusted wif myself too! HAHA! I love to gossip! Yeah...I love to hear abt e juiciest gossip tat is goin ard in my dept, my 'frens' and even pple whom I barely noe. Yupz...tats me! E super duper 38 gal. I wanna noe every little bit of gossips. My fav. pastime is to sit ard wif my 'frens' and gossip @ one corner in tis place called Earth. Time realli passes veri quickly. Time flies in fact. I din noe where I was headin. I tot everythin will alwaes b like tis...for me to gossip n hav fun. How naive.

Sumhow...things took a turn. A turn for e bad unfortunately. I cant recall how all tis happens. I am thankful tat tis shit happens. If it din...I would not b able to learn so much n b who I am now. I blame it on my bad luck @ tat point in time. Suay lah! Tats wat I tot. My so called 'frens' all left me one by one. Now u noe y I put ' and ' for e word "frens"? E most disappointin thing is...a 'fren' of mine left me when I tot she was e onli person I could depend on. I muz admit I din reali treat her well...not as well as those who seems concerned abt her @ tat time. I was picky abt her eatin habits. I would nag @ her. Cos I cared. She din hav a strong body. Alwaes ill. Yah...a weird way to express my concern. (cos I am a capricon = lousy @ showin affections) After she left, I was all alone. Yupz. Life was horrible. I wish I could end it all. X told me she once had tis idea of killin herself. Same here...I do hav tat idea oso. I sink into wat pple called it as depression. Life was monotonous. I dread e tot of goin to skool. I dread e tot of havin break. Cos I noe I would b alone. All I wanna do...is stay @ home where I noe I dun hav to face anyone.

It is oso bcos of e shit I was in tat brought me closer to my family. In e past, I dun hav time to spare for my family. I onli hav time to spare for my 'frens'. I started to understand e pple who r livin under e veri same roof as I am. I never understand wat their intentions r. I was a hard core gal. I wont give in one. Not even a single step. No matter how pple ard me tells me tat it all takes a step back to smoothen e situation. I dun listen n dun heed e advice. I was constantly in conflicts over my 'frens'. Abt e outings I wanna attend. Can u imagine tat?! I started to come home straight after skool. It was so different. I used to love to stay back in skool n jus rot. I spent lots n lots of my time @ home. Hence...I started to understand every single member in my family. Bo bian. I did tell my mum abt e shit I was in back in skool. All I got was a round of scoldin. I was frustrated. I din wan tat. All I wanna was her advices n she consoling me. She DIN! Sumhow...my relationship is much better now. I will take a step back sumtimes. Surprising huh?! I saw e miracles tat works wif jus takin a step back. @ tat point in time, I got more n more angry n frustrated. SO...I went to find my other relatives for help. E bondin between us oso grew stronger. I used to ask a fren of mine..."How huh?! Tis holidae damn boring! Frens ard me all attached. All go dating!" He replied, "Go out wif ur family loh!" BORING! Tats wat I tot. Eeee...I dun like. Now...I love it. Cos I can b who I am. Not who I wanna b. I will b so excited abt family outin now. E feelin is like meetin a crush of mine like tat. Haha...weird huh?!

Like wat I hav mentioned in my previous posts...2 pple came into my life. I never tot anyone would come into my life. All tat I was prayin for @ tat time was jus a fren. Jus 1 will do. I hav no idea wat is a fren. Wat is fren all abt?! I went round lookin for one. I went round tryin to find out wat is truly a fren all abt. E qn was alwaes on my mind. I onli got a better idea of wat true frens r durin a getaway vacation tat I had not too long ago. Sumone asked me tis...
She: If u come back here for vacation again, would u n ur frens stay in tis place?
Me: Huh...NO!
She: Y?
Me: Cos wat if I dun feel well...need to go back to e room to rest, then I got to walk tis dark stretch of road by myself?! Damn scary leh!
She: Wah liew...like tat...they r not ur frens loh! Frens dun abandon u when u need them.
E sentence in bold created a spark within me. Yah hor! Tats wat I tot. She jus sae e ans tat I was lookin for! I used to hate pple who r choosey abt their frens. "Wah lau...jus b frens lah! So choosey for wat?! Choose wat choose...u like to choose so much, pple will oso choose u loh! Then u noe how it feels man!" --> tats wat I tot last time. Now...I am oso choosey over my frens. I feel tat it is impt to b choosey. Cos tis seems to b e onli way to protect urself frm being hurt again by other pple. It is bcos u allow them to step into ur life...tats how they manage to hurt u. Make sense?! I hav my own criteria for my frens. Haha... Dun meet up to e criteria...then u r not in e list of my frens. I wonder to myself last nite...e person I dislike...issit justifiable? If it is...how so? Well...cos she is a 2-faced creature. Sarcastic remarks r wat I get frm her. She looks down on me. EEKS! Dislike her cos of tis few aspects. I used to love to hang out wif her. She tells me abt guys...gossips... Enoff to keep me goin...cos these 2 r my priorities. Now...I dislikes her. Eee... I noe I shld try to b big-hearted. Try to bear wif flaws of pple cos everyone hav it. BUT...2-faced creature is one which I cant tolerate. I never noe when she is true to me rite?

Now...if u ask me to rank those 3 things again, it goes like tis...
1)FAMILY --> anythin tat will harms my family tree relationships is a big FAT NO rite now.
2)FRENS
3)GUYS --> gettin sick of tis topic. E onli thing tat interests me abt tis topic...is how different we can b in conversations n expressin ourselves. In tis way, I will b able to understand e opp. sex better. Hav lesser miscommunication wif them.
I myself is veri veri surprise how all tis took a change. I onli realise it last nite. I was bored on my bed. Tinkin thru abt frens. It onli struck me how true abt wat my mum had scolded me abt. Veri true. I remember she wanna me to record down on a book abt wat she sae. I din bother. But I still remember it veri clearly in my mind. I used to hate to listen to pple who tok abt philosophies of life. Or some methologies tat they hav made up wif. I dread over it. BORING! Tats wat I tot. Now...I enjoyed it. I love to tok abt them n would love to listen abt other pple's view. Now...I hate pple to gossip abt other pple. I dun wanna to b involve too! Cos I dunno when I will b one of e gossips topic they will b tokin abt. To prevent myself frm being a topic of gossips...I try to keep myself away frm those gossipers. I used to b e one tryin hard to b wif e gossipers! I was one of e top few pple tat pple loves to gossips abt. If u noe me in e past...u noe how many scandals, rumours...I hav loh. Wat a 180 degrees change! Can u believe it?! I hardly can believe it myself. I did a horoscope thingy. For those born on my birthdae...we love to study philosophies n religions. Hmmm...how true. At least it is veri true @ tis moment of my life. It was veri chim sia! My head spins wif those chinese characters. I realli learn alot after all tis incidents. I got to sae...life is still e same. I am still alone. But I no longer dread to go skool. I learn how to handle e loneliness. I learn how to used my time wisely. :)

Sumone jus made a comment which kind of surprise me. Realli surprise me. I tot she would scold me. I tot she would nag @ me. I tot she would object it. Her comment realli shocked me. It leaves me feelin damn puzzled. Will I realli end up like she sae?! Everytime she sae sumting, abt 70 - 80% of them will bcome a reality. I realli damn scared lah. AH~! I DUN WANNA! Y?!?! When I oredi made up my mind...y muz sumone who can make a huge impact in my life make me change my mind by sae-ing things which makes me doubt myself all over again?! DARN! I am damn torn apart. I dun tink anyone can share tis feelin wif me. Cos I cant find sumone suitable enoff for me to speak to. To realli speak frm e bottom of my heart. To bare my heart to e person...to tok abt e thing tat is inside me. I need sumone wif e most neutral stand. I need a outsider. I cant hav someone whom is on either side of e prob. WHO?!?! Pengz! If I can find tat sumone...I believe I will feel a billion times better than now. After tinkin thru...tat comment might actualli hav other meanings to it. She might b pissed wif me. Cos I know her pretty well. I NEVER wanna lose her. Serious. I cant hav e best of both world...tis theory...I noe. SIGH!

Feelin like cryin again. Y I keep wanna cry these daes?! Y I feel so vulnerable tat I keep wanna cry?! Am I gettin weak?! I need to learn e 'harden' technique frm Kakuna (I tink it is spelled tis way...a Pokemon! LOL!) Harden e shell on my outside. Nearly wanna cry jus now. I was touched by e story. I feel lucky tat my family wasnt like wat it is in e story. I feel lucky tat I hav a dad whom will b home everydae. Thank goodness! Issit e stress I am currently feelin tat makes me wanna cry so badly? I dare not cry in front of anyone. I dun wanna to scare my frens out there. I understand how it frightens other pple when they see sumone cryin. Yet...I wish tat sumone is there to hear me cry...cry over wat is botherin me so much. Anyone dare to see me cry n wont feel helpless? R u brave one out there? 2 Criteria though...HAHA!
1) Muz b an outsider.
2) Muz b on a neutral stand.
If u tink u r e one, pls leave a tag on my tagboard. Thanks! :)

Got a top for my gift exchange todae. Haha! Guess wat is printed on e top? It saes...NO STRESS! Haha...it jus comes @ e rite time. I feel super stressed. I oso wish for NO STRESS in my life. There r sum qns left unanswered in my life. I am still on my way to search for them. Wat abt u? There r jus too many factors to consider n struggle wif. I got to attend it each n everyone of them. SIAN! I hope I can struggle thru them. If I can...I believe...I will bcome stronger...emotionally n mentally. These r 2 things which I tink is veri impt to b strong in life. :)

Gonna workout harder next week! Look @ wat I ate jus now man. *faints* FASTFOOD! CHICKENS! Oh my! Fat ah! But it was tasty! Went to airport to makan. Haha...wat a place! I love n dread to go airport. I alwaes hav tis feelin when I go airport...I alwaes wish I am one of e pple boardin planes @ e airport. I wanna fly! I dread over it cos it reminds me of sum stuff. Sad. Sigh. I got to burn those proteins inside me. If not...it is goin to cause sum kidney deficiency. Got to thank Jas for those advices! Gonna learn more healthy stuff frm her. Exercise oso! I 4got wat I wanna ask her so badly. ARGH!

THE END! HAHA! Finally huh?! Sorri for e never endin ah ma story. LOL! =X So...wat r ur priorities?! Did u set it rite?! Is there qns in ur life left unanswered?! R u on e way to find e ans to them?! Haha...qns tat I tink everyone shld spent sum time to ponder over. See ya!

PS: I took hours to type tis. So...PLS! Read it thru! Wahahah...

*dance ard*
YESH! Woohoo! I am veri happy now! Cos I can go play soon! 2 modules done...1 more to go! As for TPHM...I got some doubts here n there...but I sort of understand n can memorise wat r e steps involved. I hope I dun screw it up. Will try e past yr papers next week. Tat last one...I intend to read first then memorise when e date is nearer. Heehee... Jus did e mock test paper for ACEP. To my surprise...I got it ALL correct! YEAH!!! *dance ard* Feelin thick skinned n proud once again. HAHA! Cos my lecturer sae if u manage to do it well...u can NO NEED to study for his module during study break liao. Now u noe y I so happy?! Hahaha... I remember e first time I did it in e lect hall...my head was spinnin. I was panickin...fearful tat I will screw it up. Cos I din study lah...I onli read e book e nite b4! I got some wrongs here n there lah...can sort of remember wat I did. E good thing is e marks for e mock test is not included in my final results. Then my lecturer sae dun wanna give us back e paper cos he haven mark finish. Ask me go redo. SIAN! Fine then...I started doin jus now. I dilly dally to finish it. Took hours...cos I was slackin away too. HAHA! Jus came online to check e ans. WOOOHOOO~! Cheers! I improved e second time I did e paper. WAHAHAHA... It is a miracle after all. I alwaes feel tat I dun realli understand tis module...so ex somemore! 8 WHOLE CREDITS! Time to rock n roll soon! Can play my hearts out tis weekend n mayb go Malacca on Mon(not confirmed). Whee! Heehee...

Got to go...goin out soon! See ya! *carry on to dance*

Mayb I Shld...
I am back to blog again! :P Cant seems to stop bloggin. Alrite...I feel damn slack tis study break. Hopefully I am makin good progress in my studies. Although it seems like I understand my work, I am scared later go for test...mind blank blank again. Haha...

Went gym wif G yesterdae. My tummy...thighs...all aches. Haha...it was a good workout. I tried to do lots of it cos I miss my gym session last week. I was rushin for time too! Cos got to meet someone after gym. Heehee...I 4got all abt e time. Make her wait for me. =X I tok to G abt sum stuff. Din realli told her e decision I made. But sort of hint her abt it. She seems okie wif it. I tot she would b shocked. E onli qn tat pple likes to ask me is..."U sure u can do it?!" Yah...cos apparently, I dun look like I can do wat I jus said. Cos simply...I jus cant bear to do it. I told someone else too. She sae..."I dun tink u can do it one lah." Sigh. Y is everyone sayin tis?! Y no one can tell me..."Realli?! Good! Glad u hav made tis decision! Jia you! I believe u can do it!" Feels so much better loh...:(

As I went to tink abt it...I am startin to doubt myself all over again. Now e prob is...I got 2 choices. I got to choose 1! One is give up everythin tat I hav now...or lose someone who is dear to me for e past 18 yrs of my life. Tough decision?! Yeah...indeed it was. I am torn apart lah. Sigh. Which one seems better?! It is jus a fight between e angels n devils. It is also a fight between temptations n principles of my life. Argh. As I hav said b4, life is NEVER smooth sailing. I enjoyed myself enoff...now is time to solve all tis crap liao. Still...I am sastisfied. But jus a little of screw-ups here n there.

I am wonderin if I shld go for tat event anot. Wat if tis n tis happens? I will not b happy loh. So y shld I bother myself to attend sumtin tat I noe I wont b happy in? But e thing is...I will never noe if tat will happen unless I attend it. CRAP! AH~! I jus hate all tis uncertainties of life. Yet...it is bcos of tis uncertainties tat makes life more interesting n forward lookin. Haiz...

Okie lah...better go study! Cos later goin out AGAIN! :P Opps! See ya!

PS: Haha...tis post is for me to noe n for u to find out. Haha...enjoy my whining! :D

Crap
I hate tis. I hate to b in conflict wif pple who matters wif me. I jus cried over a stupid matter. I wanna try so hard to convince her. Convince her tat life will b better. I was in tat shit b4. I jus got out of it not too long ago. But she din noe how much it hurts when I am in conflict wif her. How much it hurts when I see those words on my msn. Argh. I hate myself for cryin. It makes me feel so vulnerable. I used to b so much like her. We will b complainin abt e same stuff. Feelin shitty over e same prob. I saw e change in my perception of stuff ard me. I no longer sing in tune wif her. Crap. Tat hurts. I seriously tinkin if tis change is good or bad?! Y tis change take place?! It is makin me gettin more conflicts wif her. It hurts me. I wanna sae so much...but dunno how to get it across to hurt her less. I noe it hurts to hear e facts n truth. I hate it myself. She tells me her probs. As much as I wanna help her to solve them...I dunno how to. I feel so sad...cos I cant help much. All I can do once again is listen to her...n sae "Hmmm... Okie... Icic..." @ e rite times. Crap. I wanna to give solutions to her. But I cant seems to see anythin. Things r not within my control. It adds on a load into e haversack on my back whenever I heard her complains.

She says: pple dun even wanna give mi chance..try wat?!
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: u got to prepare urself first b4 e chance comes...
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: if it comes now...r u ready for it?
She says: if it comes..U DIE HAVE TO DO IT
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: yah lah....but if u r not prepare....u wont show it 2 e pple tat u can do it
She says: how to prepare? everyday tok to urself ah?!
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: no lah
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: u got weekly presentation wif ck...
She says: in daily work theres no need to tok and tell
She says: yah i still try
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: start frm there
She says: OREDI STARTED
She says: SO?! AND THEN?!
She says: it leads to nothing?!
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: aiyah 4get it...
= JēřĹŷŋ = says: i dun wanna argue wif u

Tears jus dropped down e moment I type finish e last sentence. I give up. I noe she was frustrated. I am too. How to tok in tis way? I lost all my mood to study. Argh! I am stuck in another shit. A conflict between my own principles. Some principles jus seems to clashes under tat prob. I wanna so much to tok to her abt it...but seems like she dun hav e mood to spare. I wanna so much to share wif her e huge prob tat is buggin me @ tis moment. But...part of me...is so afraid tat she might scold me. Unable to understand wat I am feelin. Noe-ing her character...I will most probably get killed. I hate tis drift off feelin. E feelin of closeness seems to be gettin further n further apart. I cant tell anyone abt it...crap. E onli pple r YW n G. Yet...they dun understand e thing tat is goin on within my family. CRAP! It stresses me out. E onli thing tat I feel dear to me now is tis blog. Cos it shares all e crappy stuff in my life. I jus had a nitemare last nite. I dreamt tat one of my relative sae I was notti. Indeed I was. E dream scared me out of my wits. I was trembling. I woke up frm e dream cos I wanna get out of it asap. AH~~~! I blame no one for tis. Cos I alwaes believe tat everythin has a choice to it. It depends on which one u choose. I choose to b notti. I can blame no one. Even if everyone ard me forgives me for wat I hav done, I still cant forgive myself. Cos it all begins wif me. Onli me.

I wanna so much to dump everythin away...all e probs pple tells me. I wish to solve them. But I cant. Cos I hav no solutions to them. Tell me wat can I do? Is my expectations for myself way too high?! Sounds like...I tink I am a superwoman?! I dunno. I tot it wasnt too high. But it seems abit like it is. Argh. Jus dump me a equation to solve all tis crap. I will work my way wif it.

AH~~~! Off I go to find tat mood to study again. I am way behind my schedule. Another crap! See ya! :(

Sellin fishes Me
Argh...cant resist e temptation of bloggin. So here I am again. I noe I hav been sellin fishes in e market recently. If u ask me y am I doin tis? Ans: I cant bring myself to trust anyone ard me. If u tell me tis cant go...I noe it well enoff too. I noe I need to learn to trust pple ard me. I dunno how to go abt it. If u ask me y I dun trust pple anymore? Ans: I dun wanna feel broken into pieces again...pickin e pieces up one by one. Although I hav picked them up by now, I can onli sae I am still tryin to mend those scars left behind. E hurt inflicted on me by e pple whom hav betrayed me is too much I can bear. If u tink u r one of those pple, I can onli sae 'THANK YOU!' in e most sarcastic way. For those who has realli cared for me...I am realli sorri. I am still tryin to convince myself who to place my trust in. E convincin part sux after all. Tats all for now. *Walk off*

Time 2 Clear Things Up
Well...supposed to study one! Cos I wasted e entire dae todae. Went out loh. AGAIN! But I am back here again. LOL! I felt e need n e urge to clear things up...here it goes...

As I hav said time n time again. I hav many factors I need to consider. E factors r e followin...parents...my closest ones... These 2 is enoff oredi to put a BIG FAT 'NO'. Afterall...they were e ones who showers me wif love, care n concern for e past 18 yrs of my life. Some of ur told me to take risk. Apparently...@ tis moment, I feel tat I cant afford to take tis risk. Ur told me it wont fail one. Cos it NEVER fails. Yah...I heard of it over n over again. But...I jus cant place my trust into it loh. If u asked me...do I believe it? Unfortunately...I dun. If I do, I would hav placed my trust into it. It is bcos I dun believe it...tats y I dun trust it.

As I hav said b4...I personally tink tis issue is super sensitive. I am sure ur noes it too. Therefore...I dun wish to tok to my parents abt it lah. I hav absolutely no intention of spoilin e relationship between my parents n me over tis. Hence...I will try to keep myself a distance away as much as possible. As wat I heard...it will improve e relationship...ur told me abt it. I heard of it. But I noe it is bound to destroy it in e beginnin. I hav absolutely no confidence of mending it back. Cos I took a long time to achieve wat I hav now. As to wat it was like in e past, I dun wish to comment. So...as I hav heard, I shld hav confidence tat miracles will happen. Once again...e prob of trust comes in. I jus cant place my trust into it loh. Hence, I dun wanna address it. Cos to me...currently, it dun matters to me. I dun wanna risk over sumting which I tink dun matters @ tis moment. If u ask me y it does matters @ tis moment? I seriously dun hav a answer to tat qn. It jus dun matters loh.

PS: My most frank opinions...if u ask me y I dun wanna tell ya into e face, cos I simply cant do it. For e fear of offendin anyone out there...my fear list...goes on n on n on... It is super long. Writtin makes me express myself better. Speakin wise...is terrible cos it jus dun come out e way I wanna it to b. It dun makes sense to me...if tis is so, how will it b makin sense to e person I wanna sae to? Tis is oso e reason y I cant keep long eye contact wif anyone...(if u notice). I am still tryin to improve on tat aspect of me. I hope ur understand wat I am tryin to sae over here. E idea I am tryin hard to bring across. Thanks.

Long Post...
HoHo! Expect a long post. Cos tis is e last post b4 I go off for study break. Will b back again after e CT. Been tryin hard to study...but I jus cant concentrate. I feel so lethagic.

First of all...I will start wif wat is my focus of my life now. There are 2. Studies n gainin independence. As for studies...I dun tink I need to explain any further. As for gainin independence...it has to do wif a dream I hav for yrs. Haha...I had tis dream of goin for OIAP(Overseas Industrial Attachment Program). Yupz...I dream of it b4 I actually managed to get into NP. When I got into NP, frm dreamin...it slowly evolve into wantin to achieve it. Hence...I need to show to my parents tat I can b independent b4 they r willing to give me e nod to let me go for it. If I cant show them, of cos...they hav every rite to turn me down...cos no parents would b so crazy to let their children to b away for 5.5 months knowin their child is not independent @ all. Makes sense? Therefore...I am tryin to learn to b more independent. I dun wanna let tis golden opportunity slip past me. I tink it would b veri stupid of me to let it go jus bcos I cant show my independence to my parents. Cos I believe it is sumting which I can work upon it. If it is bcos tat I cant attain good grades for it, then I dun hav anythin to sae oso. Cos I can onli blame myself for lettin e time slip by n not workin hard enoff e previous sems. Of cos...apart frm the fun tat everyone tot of, there is another set of reasons as to y I wanna go for OIAP so badly. As to wat they r...I shall =X abt them for e time being. Haha...cos I believe again...tat tis is definately goin to b one of e qns I hav to ans in my interview. So...in order to keep e originality...I am not goin to post it here. If u r curious enoff...ask me n I will tell u provided tat u r not in e same course as me. Be prepared for an ah ma story. Wahahha...I sell fishes in e market for a livin. LOL!

There r other matters in which I wanna attain @ e same time. But...I jus wanna work on those 2 first. As for other matters like BGR(which interests almost everyone for pple of my age...), I believe in Fate. Heehee...if it is meant to happen, it will sumhow. Mayb in e weirdest way? Not realli a corcern to me rite now. I am learnin to grow tired of it. Cos focusin on a person in my life...ruins me. Tried n never wanna do it again.

Choices in Life
In our daily life...we are constantly makin choices. From trivial matters like wat to wear to skool...to big impt matters like...wat career u wanna. If u actually tink abt it...e choice tat we make is pretty dependent on wat we wanna ourselves to b. We started off wif wat we tink will b an ideal 'ME'. Then u work upon it. Tats how u manage to make e choice in ur life. Oh well...I got into a small 'arguement' over wif my mum sum dae ago. It was on e issue of makin choices in life. To me, I dun realli take it as an arguement. I jus hope tat my mum feel e same way as I do. Cos my dad tinks I was tokin back to my mum. But I was jus sayin wat I strongly feel for. I noe I din realli sound too 'good' tat dae. Cos I noe I might hav sounded a little 'forceful'. Haiz...it happens esp. when I sae wat I strongly feel for. Sigh.

Heh heh...I hav blog down most of my tots. Got more one...but I need to go off for my studies...for my test on Fri! Haven realli started yet...bless me sia! As much as I wanna to chiong, I jus cant seems to find e mood to do so. Issit bcos there is too much tots in my mind? Or...I am simply too lazy to study? I promise I will b back asap when my tests r over. I will revamp tis blog. Update sum stuff...change abit here n there...so stay tune! :)

PS: Jia you to all peeps out there who r study break for CT! All e best! Good luck!

Thanks Chefs!
I feel so SHAG! Yeah...cos I barely hav less than 4hrs of sleep todae. YAWNZ! I am too tired to actually go n get hyper wif everyone. Everyone was hyper...except me. I was pretty dead...yeah. Like some dead fish. Afterall...I slept @ 3+am last nite. Got woken up @ 4+am tis morning for some reasons. Then din sleep all e way till abt 10+am. I slept for another 2++hr. Tats all till now. Though I did catch small naps while travellin...e idea is too tempting! I wonder how I am goin to study later. I need to. Sigh.

I tink we all need to thank e 2 chefs for tonite's dinner. Tats K n B! Thanks chefs! E chicken wings was great n e hotdogs oso! Wahaha... They were realli e hardworkin chef who was @ e BBQ pit e whole nite...cookin stuff to cater all of us. So many pple somemore! I was e party tat was onli doin e eatin part. *guilty party* I did some mashmallows for myself. Heehee...I am selfish. I am a fishmonger! Wahaha...

Anyway...someting hit me hard todae. K was tokin to me abt sum stuff. We toked abt losing someone dear to u. Wat I wanna sae is...start cherishin e pple ard u. Esp. those who r close to ur heart n matters in ur life. Dun startin treasurin them onli after u lose one of them. U will regret for ur entire life. Trust me. Not onli tat...it inflicts a wound tat will never b healed over time. As e old sayin goes...time heals all wounds. But it doesnt mean for tis one. It will onli fade in ur memory. For some...it will jus hurt more n more as e time goes by. I am jus one of e victims. But u will never b healed. Sense of guilt will jus prick @ u when u r alone. It is realli bad. Cos I was e foolish one...who never cherish e pple ard me. Onli to realise it when I lose someone dear to me. Till now...I am still feelin guilty. It hurts. It hit me reali hard when K started tokin abt it. E emotional me...(PMS @ work...confirmed + guarantee + chopped!) was on e verge of cryin again. Thank goodness I managed to control it. All I can do is try to harden myself whenever I tink of it. Numb my senses. I tink I will never dare myself again to tok abt it. Jus in case...I cry in front of e wrong pple. Scared them off. :P

I suddenly hav tis feelin. E fear of death. Death...sumting tat separates me frm my love ones. I cant bear to go thru all those crap again. It destroys me. I was tinkin of it when I was waitin for e bus jus now. Death...is sumting tat everyone has to face one dae. I wonder when I will b brave enoff to face all these. Pls...let those pple ard me...esp. those who mean hell lots to me b safe n sound. Sumhow...those who matters to me alot alot alot...r fallin sick recently. Not feelin well...I hope for speedy recovery for them. Dun torture me in tis way. For e past 2 yrs...I hav heard of numerous pple who had passed away.(like got at least more than 10?!) These pple...in a way or another...I noe them n seen them. It hurts me when I received e news. Makin me feel tat life is jus so fragile.

I got more to sae...but I cant remember. Cos my brain is dead for e time being. I need to zzZ. See ya!

Problem Solver
Yeah...I became one. I was jus tokin to someone. I dunno how to help her. All I can do is listen to her. Mayb give a few suggestions...n a few of wat I tink. Tats all. She noes wat to do...but not doin it. (Haha...I noe it sounds like me absolutely!) Wahaha... I jus switched my role. Last time...I used to b e one filled wif millions of problems. Pple hear me sae...I tink they oso headache. Now...I become e problem solver. Issit good or bad? As I hav sae in my preivous post...I am satisfied. I am still. Cos I feel tat when u r satisfied person...u will naturally b happy. U smile frm ur bottom of ur heart. Tats wat I am feelin n doin now. Jus gettin a little emotional recently. Issit PMS @ work again? I am gettin fussy over matters. Got realli frustrated wif someone jus now. I noe I shldnt. Afterall...I am jus like her. Haiz... PMS: Hey! Ur gals hor...everytime bad mood then blame me one leh! Not fair! Then I bad mood who can I blame huh?! LOL! :P

I am seeing alot of my own reflections recently. Most of them come frm e way pple treat me. I see myself in them. Issit bcos I hav changed for e better? Or issit I become more aware of these problems within me? Which issit? Hmmm... Can someone come out wif a formula for tis? Or rather...on e general, come out wif a formula for life?! Wat is good n wat is bad?! Sian of tryin to figure out whether I am on e rite track anot...as long got formula...then apply...done! Ans will b there. (tats e reason y I am in Chem. Engineering! Haha...)

Shall stop here...tomolo still got Lab. test! All e best to myself...*pat pat* See ya!

Anyone interested to study somewhere else other than @ home during 1st week of study break?! Chiong all in e 1st week! :P Let apply peer pressure on each other for better grades!

Super stressed!
I am suppose to go n study one. After e short 30mins nap I jus had. Haha...pig! I was feelin so shag after e gym session todae. Headed to gym wif G. Aching thighs...:P Yeah...here I am again. Damn stressed! I jus received tis new not too long ago. I got to work wif 2 smarties in my klass for a project! PBL (problem based learning) ah! Wah liew! 2 smarties tokin away...started to argue over sum facts...but u r totally cluless abt wat is goin on...cos u can process e ideas as quickly as them! --> Can u imagine tis?! Tis is veri likely to happen! Cos I hav seen pple workin wif 2 smarties...then when they were asked wat e 2 person arguing abt...e person jus shrug her shoulders...showin tat she is absolutely clueless to wat is goin on! I am goin to b e next person who does tat. Afterall...e 2 smarties hav pentium 4 CPU (brain) while I hav pentium CPU nia. I oso cant imagine havin to meet up 2 times a week wif one of 2 smarties. Sigh.

I jus manage to get into e motion of tinkin faster last week. I am super duper pleased wif my achievement last Sat. I was almost dancing ard when I stepped out of KAP. (Haha...e thing is...I cant dance for nuts! Cos my hands n legs cant coordinate!) I am realli proud of my achievement lah. Haha... *applause* I noe abit late loh...week 5 then I can get into e motion. Haiz...slow CPU afterall. I got to admit. E encouragin thing is I am makin process in my work lah. I managed to show my worth or rather value to e grp. I noe it is impt to show tat u can value add to ur grp. If u cant...u will b seen as dependin e others to do all e work. Of cos...no one will like tat loh. Now...I need tons of blessings sia! I need to pray hard tat I can tink @ e speed of e lightning...can keep up to wat they r tokin abt. Work doublely hard to make up for my slow-ness. Make sure I do enoff work b4 e meet up. Hmm...tat will b wat I will b doin to b on par wif e 2 smarties.

My fren jus asked me..." U still miss him?" Yah hor...good qn! I din actually. I din 4get afterall. Cos a gal can 4give but cant 4get. Hmm...how true! So wat does tat mean? I got over sumting tat is within me for yrs?! *countin my fingers* Or does it meant tat it is jus hidden @ one corner?! A corner which I din realli bother...but will come back to me @ times? *shrugs* I hate to tink abt tis...grr!

I jus made a mistake todae. Feelin pissed wif myself. Felt veri bad towards my fren oso. Haiz...I am still tryin strugglin wif tat aspect of me. I muz constantly remind myself ah...short term memory me. Other than tat...I need to change e way I walk! My mum jus commented tat dae..."U hunch ur back when u walk." O_O Oh my goodness! I dun wanna b lao tai tai ah! Muz stand straight!

Came upon an interestin book todae in e lib. It is abt personality. It saes...if u wanna a personality trait...u got to b hardworkin! Cos it is not easy lah...yeah...I agree! But there r personality traits tat u cant change! O_O Hmm...I find it surprising. Although I din realli go read wat e ones tat u cant change...lookin @ e page filled wif words. *shake head* Personality traits can b passed down frm ur parents! Another interesting fact! I tot it is all abt how pple coach u in life...n happenings in ur life tat determines it.

Okie lah...look @ e time! No need to study liao. :P Realli need to get my butts off e comfy zone n work hard ah! Got to study during break tomolo. Die die oso muz! No time liao. See ya!

PS: Did I tell u tat I am sastisfied wif e way life is now? I will treasure every single moment of my life now b4 a BIG prob appears! (Afterall...life is never alwaes smooth sailing!) --> Haha! Tats wat I realli wanna announce to e world. Wanna share my happiness wif ur. Feelin happy n blessed. :D

I jus DUN understand...
There is alot of things which I dun tink I will ever understand e theory or wateva u call it behind them. I dun understand y pple like to fake smiles n ask qns which u noe tat e person dun even mean it. Wats e point of doin tat?! Askin someone along...then treatin e person like a soccer ball after tat?! Pushin e person here n there. Do u tink u realli can control wat u wanna control in life?! Tinkin tat u hav e ability to do so?! It is plain silly to tink it tat way. Childish oso. Cos in life, most of e times...u wont get wat u wanna. U jus got to learn how to manage ur emotions...ur actions...wateva tat needs to b done. Tis is a lesson which everyone needs to learn lah. By tryin ur best to control it...is jus showin off to pple how afraid u r in gettin wat u will b given. Dun ever tink tat u wanna work wif tat person...then e other party will oso wanna work wif ya. Not as if u r sum pro out there. Appearance VS Reality. Pple r not so easily to b understood. U never noe wat is on their mind.

Another one thing tat I dun understand is tis ---> 5 meetings in all...she came for 4 meetings. EVERYTIME oso LATE! Not late for 15 mins kind...but 30 mins kind. Never fails. I mean if it is meetin jus for fun or hangin out...I dun mind. For work wise...I mind. There is a time for everythin. --> I strongly believe in tis. I got so frustrated tat I nearly wanna dump my other grp mate to wait for her himself...while I slowly drag myself there. Since she will b late...no point me being early oso. I got to wait still. Of cos...it is damn nasty lah. I dun wanna look at e other grp mate...u stare at me...I stare at u...playin who will blink first game. We waited for her together in e end. I wonder if she does ever noe we r not happy wif it. I tot it was pretty obvious frm e tone of my other grp mate yesterdae. I would sae he sounded quite sarcastic. Meet mornin...she is late. Understandable...cos she lives far...e tot of gettin urself up is difficult. I understand. But e other one oso dun live any place nearer. But...meet afternoon she oso late?! Wat is wrong sia?! GRR! E thing is not onli me is pissed. I tink we r jus waitin for each other to see who cant tahan anymore n tell her straight in her face. Playin waitin game...patience! I jus hope tat sumhow tis idea can get into her brain b4 I hav to play e nasty character.

One thing I got to admit is...I was once jus like her in my previous sems. Laid back...couldnt b bothered wif wateva tat is goin on ard me. I jus wanna it my way. Sumhow...2 persons came into my life. One came to tok to me one fine dae. I wont 4get wat she told me. Tat tok makes me change. I tot wat she told me makes sense. I did wat she told me to do. In a unknowingly way...I changed. Cos I onli put in a small effort to achieve it...so I din tot I did changed until recently. COs I saw e reflections of me in e past in her. I saw changes in my life. She was jus like a hand...which stretches out at e rite time to pull me up b4 I drop to a place of no return. No one knew e contents of e chat. Onli me n pple whom I shared abt e chat wif. I am veri thankful for tat particular chat. I was veri veri touched back then. Cos I din noe there was actually sumone out there who will care for me. Another came along on one fine dae too! Haha! Tat person jus appeared! Like watchin cartoon...or magic show...proof! E person appeared. I struggled wif a few things. I am still strugglin n hopin tat e change will take effect fast n will last within me.

PS: Jus wanna sae...thanks for being part of my life! Helpin me wif e sickenin trials of life...

Fool
I am suppose to b studyin NOW! Yeah...after e long long nap! I nearly couldnt wake up. I forgo e alarm tat was ringin. Sumhow...a weird call @ tis time woke me up! I got woken up by a wrong no. call! Haha...how funny. I dunno y I got woken up oso. Thank goodness I did! If not...electricity bills will soar into e sky ah. LOL! Aniwae...tats not wat I intend to blog...here it goes...

Argh...I feel like a FOOL now! Yah...as e topic suggests. *curses* I dun understand lah. A fren told me...tried to persuade me into e patch up...tell me stuff here n there...jus when I was askin myself...doubtin if my stand was wrong... HELL! All I found out is...e other party got no intention of wateva my fren seems to imply lah! Then...wat for u try to persuade me into it?! Damn! I realli feel stupid lah...trusting him over it. *bang head* FOOL! Come to tink of it...y shld my stand even shake in e beginning?! Jus remain e same lah! Afterall it takes 2 hands to clap. Then y even bother to let me noe all tis crap?! Let me feel bad or guilty n start to doubt if I was wrong?! I realli wanna scream now! Y add hurt into me?! GRR! Tis is veri last time I am ever goin to trust anyone lah! I dun wanna b hurt in e end again. If hurt n disappointment is all I get in e end...then I shld not even bother to engage myself into anythin at all! Enoff is enoff. There is a limit to wateva everyone can take! I hav reached e limit. MAX. liao! Dun try to persuade me into it again. I am feelin naive...y shld I even hav tat stupid tot in e beginnin? Tats it! U hav hit e blow up button! I am realli sick of all tis. All I can sae...naive...stupid...TRUST is no longer in my dictionary.

AH! I came here to rant. Got to face all e sick things tomolo still! Got to learn how to tahan all tis crap...how to remove it frm my life...not being affected by all e crap. -->affects my health oso. BAD! Screw myself! Realli need to study liao...see ya!

Update
Been some time since I hav updated my blog. Tons of tots on my mind. If I were to blog all of them down...it is goin to take hrs! U will hav 2 read until u cock eye oso. Hence...I will jus blog wat I tink has been on my mind for quite sum time.

Feelin shag sia. Yeah...even though there is not much activities tis week (as compared to last week). I am still lackin in rest. Gosh! When will I ever feel charged up?! Got alot of happy stuff happens tis week oso. One of them...is my notes. Haha...was grumbling e other dae abt not my blank notes. How to study when ur notes r filled wif blanks here n there?! I got them filled e veri next dae wif e help of someone. Haha... Seems like a small matter though. But I alwaes feel tat small things r e little things tat can actually brighten up ur life. But...sad to sae, we r often too blind to see them. We onli focus on big matters n hope to achieve them in e end. Another gd example is... I tink pple will sae I damn childish sia. I went for a roadshow sum time back in Orchard. We went as a grp. 3 of us got ice cream! I was one of them! I was happily eating away lah...cos long time ever since I receive tat kind of small cup ice cream...feels like a kid...wahahaha...

I tink I will quite busy frm now on. Projects starts to appear. My lecturers jus throw me 2 projects tis week. U will see me rantin abt discussion sessions again. E worst is CT (common test) is comin! I am not prepared lah. So...muz start to chiong liao. I might not b updatin so often liao. Will hav to chiong for CT then...enjoy myself during XMas. Wahaha... After CT...enjoy till siao for e fact tat CT is over n welcome my birthdae wif wide open arms! *HINT* Thank goodness my CT ends b4 my birthdae. If not...can cry sia! WoOHoO! Wahaha...feelin thick-skinned!

EXPECTATIONS...
Yeah. Tis is e word tat I believe everyone will b dread to hear it. Tis is esp. true for Singaporean kids...when their parents expects them to do well in exams. Cos they believe kids hav no other responsibilities in life when they r young. E onli one is studies. They will wanna them to do well in studies...not knowin kids oso hav other responsibilities! Tat includes...learning how to b a better person...how to make frens...e list jus goes on! I dread over it myself. Esp. when someone tells me tis..." I hav high expectations in u. Pls buck up / wake up! Dun disappoint me." Wah liew...stress ah! Yet...hav u ever wonder y pple argue or quarrel? Tis is super prominent in relationships like BGR, kinship n frenship. All tat relates to human relations again! (tats y I hate human relations so much!) To put it in simpler terms...BGR...couples quarrel cos they EXPECT sumting frm e other party. Like...expect e other party to call a certain no. of times each dae. --> one of e silly stuff...yet couples like to quarrel over it. Quota not met. Quarrel ah! Kinship...same as BGR, expects sumting frm e other party. Like...u wanna go out...but ur parents dun allow. Quarrel ah! Ur parents expect u to listen to them...on e other hand, u expect tat they will allow u to go out. Cos u feel tat u r old enoff to look after urself n noe wat is rite...wat is wrong. U expect them to believe tat u hav grown up. Frenship...oso same as BGR n kinship. Like...u meet up wif ur fren. He/She came late. U got pissed. Cos u expect he/she to b punctual. Ha! See wat I mean? It all boils down to e word...EXPECTATIONS! Sounds scary? Yeah...it is. I dun deny e fact tat I oso hav expectations in pple ard me. But...wat I tink I can do to minimise e no. of conflicts...is to hav a lower expectation of pple ard me. Not to stress them out...pple perform better when they r not stressed out. Agree? Haha...jus sum tots for ya to ponder.

Okie lah...tink I shall end here. My eyes tired...my hands tired...my brain tired...YAWNS! I need to rest b4 I study for CT. (like hua ze lei...tats wat my fren sae abt me...sleep whole dae...do nothin! LOL!) See ya!